Wednesday, August 29, 2007

shapeless

So let's see what's gone down since Tuesday...

Mike and I are no longer a Mike and I. Which, when I think about it, is a really weird thing to say because he and I were never together. It was a mutually parasitic bond-- he wanted to get laid and I wanted to feel wanted. Such is life.

Ashley, my roommate, is seeing his best friend Steve now. Which, no lie, is slightly awkward. Mike and I made a really good attempt at doing the friend thing, sans making out or anything, but it didn't work out so well. Actually...I pretty seriously fucked it over. The thing is that I cannot stand is how Mike got to me. He understood every one of my neuroses and instead of me just being able to deal with them and the fact that he knew...so I started backing away. Doing everything in my power to make sure he'd end up hating me. Which, go me, he does now.

I got disgustingly drunk and ended up going home with this guy. But, unbeknown to me, Mike saw me making out with him. So now, not only am I the drunk girl with an attitude, but I'm a whore too.

And...maybe I am. Maybe I am pathetic with self-worth issues and that pushes me to do anything for attention. Maybe I make out with whoever will have me, just because I am so desperate for the validation. I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.

If I really am that disgusting...I can't even blame Mike for hating me. Hell. If I really am that disgusting...I have a major hangup over anyone even tolerating me.

But such is life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

gag

Mike and I had a really big talk last night and he conceded that what he did was very messed up and so I guess now we're good. Yay.

I basically ADORE my creative writing workshop. The professor, Dr. Gottfried, is one of the most chill people I've seen in a while. She seems to be disgustingly intelligent but not elitist about it. I think I'm really going to get a lot out of being in a workshop where the focus isn't on readying pieces for publication, but instead creating something worthwhile. I mean, not that I didn't love my summer workshops because they were fantastic for me...really pushing me towards writing for an audience rather than myself...but that's so stressful. I think at this point, I want to concentrate on the craft as opposed to the end result.

It kind of sucks though because this girl who I had drama with last semester is in the class and she already made some pretty bitchy comments towards some of my opinions on one of the pieces we read yesterday. We were analyzing "Why Don't You Dance?" by Raymond Carver and I said something along the lines of the female character acting like a desperate teenager craving attention and the girl said she was basically acting exactly like me. I mean, come on...that's messed up. She doesn't know me that well and regardless, you shouldn't say things like that in class. It's one thing to say that you disagree with my take of the piece, but to make a personal attack....uncool.

I need to quit smoking...seriously. I think once I'm poor again I'll quit but it really does help keep me not as stressed. Which, let's be honest, is really important.

Monday, August 27, 2007

BREAK MEEEEE DOOWNNNNNNNNN

Arugh. I'm here. I'm over it already though. Why you may ask...well. Here goes:

1. Mike is a grade-A asshole right now. He comes over last night with his friend to drink with me and my roommate then tries to make out with her in the hallway while I'm right there. I don't really have any right to be pissed off cuz we're not dating or anything. But come on! Seriously...who does that? Especially when you say you missed me so much and couldn't wait to spend time with me...and then not even five minutes later, try to climb into bed with me.

2. It's hot and yucky out. I don't like feeling gross after just walking to Starbucks and back. Not good times.

3. I'm hungover and haven't slept in two days cuz I've been either at Mike's place or he's been crashing with me. LAME.

4. Latin is going to kick my ass. I only had one class of it, but I can tell already cuz of French, I'm going to have a lot of issues with the syntax. Damn it.

5. I'm out of cigarettes and can't smoke in my dorm.

Aside from that though, everything is fine and dandy.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

paralyzer

Boo.... very pissed off right now. I got booted off the work-study queue because apparantly so many freshman are on the program, the financial aid office couldn't guarantee everybody jobs. So now cuz the financial aid office thinks I don't present a significant need...which sucks. But whatever. I guess I can just bartend or somthing. It's not like I sleep anyways and the tips are pretty sweet.

I'm leaving Jersey in about an hour. Thank God. I've been over it here since...oh...about an hour after I got back. And now I get to chill with Mike and Meg and Ash and TIM(!!!) and Luke and Anora and Pryia and William and everyone else I LOVE. Seriously...without my friends...I don't know where I'd be. Probably lying in a ditch somewhere.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

...but never to the melody

I broke up with Adam last night. I thought after I did it, I'd feel something... releif, sadness, freedom, anything. But I don't. If anything, I think that just proves to me that I needed to end it.

I've never been the best at keeping relationships. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm selfish and give up the second I get scared or the instant it becomes work. But I don't think a relationship should be work. I should want to hang out with them. I should be excited to hear from them. And our conversations should be more than "I love you" "I miss you" over and over and over until I feel nausous from the pathetic, mindless innocence of it all.

I just...I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love Adam. He's a really fantastic guy and he's fun to be around. But I'm not in lovewith him. There's a difference. And I don't think it's fair to him if I was to stay in a relationship where he loved me a lot more than I did him. He and I are also at very different places in our lives. He still has his senior year of high school to get through. I want him to be able to go out and do stupid high school things without having to worry about being tied down. I don't want to be an obligation for him. And conversly, I want to be able to go out and have fun in college. I don't want to have something stopping me from finding myself...especially when I'm just now sort of getting the hang of it.

But mostly...I don't think I was happy with Adam. Like really happy. And if I'm not happy...then what's the point? I know that sounds so horrible but I have to take care of myself and make sure I"m ok and if not being with a really great guy is the price...then I guess I'm just going to have to pay it.


(iamareallybadteencliche)

Monday, August 20, 2007

have you ever...

So a week from now, I'm going to be sitting in my Latin class. Freaking surreal.

Yesterday was actually really fun. I thought it was going to be a disaster, being subjected to an entire day of family bonding and all. But we ended up going to the track to watch the horses...which I LOVE. And I'm a monster when it comes to betting on the races. I guess that comes from being obsessed with all things equine for a solid decade of my life. The track is so surreal. You have such an eclectic group of people; burnt out stablehands, white-trash families looking for a cheep way to spend a Sunday afternoon, fat Italian men dressed in their best suits with cigars hanging out the side of their mouth...all grasping their bets with a glimmer of hope in their eyes. Hope that their horse will push ahead and get their overworked, juvinile nose across the wire first and give them a win. Me. I just like the horses. I go down to the paddock between races to see the horses up close. Sometimes I'll look them in the eye. When I do that, and if the horse stops for a second, I know that they're my guy. I don't know. They're probably not even cognisant of me, but it's what I've always done.

And last night, I finally cut my ties to Alex. I told him that it's not fair to keep telling me about all of these other girls he's seeing but how he's never happy with them. It makes me feel like crap when he does that because I know that he thinks of me as just another girl for him to mess around with but then comes to me with all of his issues. It's like I'm playing the part of girlfriend without any of the job security. Not to mention he shattered my heart...or what was left of it...numerous times. I'm done with that. I think I've finally realized I need to cut the jackassary out of my life. So. Alex is gone. (lets see how long this lasts...)

It's raining. I love the rain. It's supposed to rain all week, which I really don't mind. Except that I was going to go down the shore tomorrow with Anora to tan before we go back to school. Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with being freakishly pale. Boo.

Mike is...amazing. We talked for like three hours this morning. I love how I can just be totally random and he doesn't care at all.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about Adam. I mean, I know I SHOULD break up with him. But he has a lot going on otherwise, with his family. Serious stuff. He's kind of in a precarious place right now and I don't want to do anything that would put him over the edge. If anything, I think he actually really loves me. And I don't want to be the one to hurt him like that.

Sigh.

Friday, August 17, 2007

keeps you back....

I cannot believe it is my last Friday at home for the summer. Damn. Like....really....damn. I cannot wait to get out of here.

I think I might have to break up with Adam though. He's being clingy and I am definatly falling for new Mike. Oh well. I'm hideous at relationships anyways. Maybe I'll just cheat on Adam, just to see if it's worth breaking up with him or not. I don't know. I just need to do somthing to make him stop liking me as much. I think I'd feel bad breaking up with him, he's so innocent and nice. But it's just that, the niceness, that makes me want to make him hurt.

Wow. I am such a bad person.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

perfect kisses lead to one night stands...

Before anyone says anything...its a song lyric. I did not kiss anyone or in any way, shape or form cheat on Adam. That being said, everyone should go listen to The Apathy Eulogy right now.

Last night I had a really intense discussion. Actually, two. One with Adam and one with Mike (different Mike, this one lives in Maryland...like half hour from school).

With Adam, he and I started getting into Elizabeth Wurtzel-- wrote Prozac Nation, Bitch & More, Now, Again--and how she's my generation's Sylvia Plath & Anne Sexton. That thought kind of bums me out actually... I hate comparing great writers to each other. It just seems to trivial. Wurtzel is brilliant though. If I was to writing confessional memoir, that's how I would write it. I also really appreciate her use of voice. Wurtzel is self-depricating but at the same time so beautifuly tragic.

But then Adam made the mistake of comparing me to Wurtzel and started making suggestions on my writing. Like topical suggestions, not just editorial. I cannot stand that. I mean, he is not my editor. He is not even a WRITER in my eyes. He wants to be some mass-produced drugstore novelist a la Stephen King. I'm sorry but I really don't consider that talent. I love Adam to death, but it is not his place to compare me to great writers then try to completly alter my pieces.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just bad at this whole relationship thing. Adam tries, he really does. And I think I'm happy with him...but at the same time, it really kills me that he hadn't even heard of Waiting for Godot or know what existential meant. I don't know. Whatever. I really do love him though. Like the kind of love that makes my heart go all flippy even when he just texts me. Haha. I am such a dork.

Thank goodness Mike called me right after though. I am completly aware that I get elitist sometimes and he's not afraid to call me out on it. Actually, he didn't even call me out on it, no. He BITCHED me out. Which, let's be honist, I needed. But then, we started analyzing Les Jeux sont faits by Sartre. Now, is it just me or would you be a little confused about this? I mean, yeah...I should hope that everyone has read or at least knows of Sartre but to call me a pompus snob then inquire about my views on the classic paradoxical moral victory that are very much present in his work seems a bit...off to me.

And now I just feel so drained. But I love that feeling, you know? It's almost like here at home I'm in this vapid space where no creative or intelligent minds dare wander.

And now...I feel like a really bad person. Because, albet all of the crap my family has put and still puts me through, they're not stupid. It's just that I feel so trapped here. When I'm home, I am a completly different person and it really sucks because I want everyone up here to see that I'm not the little narcisistc bitch they became accoustomed to dealing with.

Whatever.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

scream

I couldnt sleep last night, probably because of the adrenelin shot. Not a big deal, except in my lack-of-sleep induced state (which I'm not all too unfamilliar with...see finals week or midterm week or any other time when I just have too much to do to bother sleeping), I screamed at Adam over the phone over how much I miss him and of all of the things...who loves each other more and then started to cry when he told me to be rational and it ended in him being the amazing boyfriend he is and telling me to go get some rest and he'd call me in the morning. Except now I feel like a complete ass which is perfect because I'm sure thats what he thinks of me. A fucking complete ass.

Adam's too good for me. He's too nice and lets me win when we fight and calls me beautiful. What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot even be happy with the perfect guy that I have right in front of me.

I hate being this messed up. Because I really do love him...to the Heavens and back again.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

ugh

I hate that as soon as the nicest day of the summer happens I get a killer migrane that's bad enough for me to actually go see the doctor, resulting in me getting an adrenaline shot and being put on a portable IV full of happy meds and nutriants cuz not only do I have a migrane, but they realized that I probably got it cuz I forgot to eat for the past five days. Whoops. And its not like I was consciencely not eating...the thought to eat just never occoured to me. Once again, whoops. Someone should remind me to do that once and a while.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

sixteen days!

Why Lilith is disugstingly happy to go back to Hood in less than three weeks:
-I really miss everyone and I feel like such a bad friend for not going down to visit anyone over the summer, even when I was in DC for work. We're all going to be crazy busy at school, but having us all in the same place basically ensures we'll at least see each other in passing.

-Back to school = sales! I like shopping and it makes me feel much less materialistic if I say everything I'm buying is nessasary for school. New shoes are the most important...they tend to dislike you showing up to lecture barefoot.

-Everything is so tense with my parents, I feel unhealthly stressed around them. Their mere presence makes me want to scream. The sooner I'm out of the state, I'll be able to breathe again.

-I can declare my major as soon as I get down there cuz I finally have enough credits. As soon as I figure out what that major is going to be, I'll let you know.

-Coffee walks with Timothy. They're like therapy but with a latte, someone I can actually stand (and actually love to death) and all the cigarettes we want.

-School is like the epicenter for the drama universe. As much as we say we cannot stand the constant superficial drama, we thrive off of it.

-Soccer House's first-weekend-back party. It always starts out classy, with cockstail dresses and ties. But give it an hour and we'll be on the table with the boys doing kegstands out back. Blackout, makeout, put out or GET OUT!

-Finally only being half-hour from DC. It really sucks how dependant I am on being that close for work and such. Oh well.

-Being able to gloat to this bitch from my AmLit class last semester that I'm getting published before her. She thought it'd be cute to tear my work apart and call me opportunistic and try to discredit every point I made cuz she doesn't see me as a real writer (whatever that's supposed to mean). Well, fuck you skank, I'm in.

-Seeing my professors. Yeah. I'm a dork. But, they have their job for a reason and if I plan to be doing what they do, I might as well let some of their brillance rub off on me. And, for the most part, they're pretty chill.

-Running with Dani, Will and Blake. It's great. We don't speak to each other at all, but we get this kind of unspoken comraderie going after the first couple runs and it makes killing five miles every morning less of an obligation.

...except now I need to pack. Boo.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

on the ground

I'm back from the Hamptons. It was great. I love being by the water...I'm such a beach bum (in every sence of the word).

I don't know how much longer I can take being at home anymore though. My parents found out about Adam and...let's just say they're less than pleased that I'm seeing him. And it's not like he's that bad of a person. He's my dad's best-friend's son and we've known each other since we were born. So he's had a few issues over the past six months or so with drugs, but hey I'm not one to judge. Especially on that. And yes, he is a little bit younger than me...but once again, who cares? We work so well together, it doesn't matter to me. I love Adam to the point where I don't care what anyone says about us.

I love Adam and he loves me. If there's one thing that I still have faith in, it's the power of love. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm just being a silly little girl and haven't lived enough to know what love is. Maybe I'm too willing to say "I love you" to anyone who gives me any positive attention. But I don't care. There is just somthing about Adam that makes me feel like one day I am going to be ok. He gives me somthing to live for, somthing that makes me so unbelievably serene and happy that I never want it to go away. Which it wont, because Adam swore to me that he'd never leave. It's just going to be me and him...forever. And that's exactly how I want it to be.

Adam is the most addicting drug in the world. He's ok with me being extremly insecure. He loves the real me...the Lilith that only comes out usually when I'm alone. I love him so much it hurts. Adam is the first person ever that makes me feel like I belong somewhere. He has my heart, my whole heart, forever. And I will always love him. I want to be with him forever. I feel at peace with him. If that's not a sign that we should be together, than I don't know what is.

And so what about going back to school. We are going to make this work because when you love someone like this, you do whatever is nessasary and more, just to make sure we're together forever.