sex and candy

so whatever. i'm feeling pretty good right now. frank and i had a fight earlier. a bad one. we almost break up. actually we did for a while.

and this was right before my literature class. which...p. fucking s. i love my midterm paper. its all structured and organized and my intro is amazing. and my conclusion. i have to say...this is the one paper that i'm actually proud of this year. it's actually really interesting to see how my academic writing style has evolved so much this year...gotten so much more on point. i'm a fan. but i totally credit it to my professers. i would definatly not be the somewhat compitant writer i am today without them making me cry (literally) over the majority of my papers haha. but anyways. my prof was high as shit in class today. kind of amusing. but i talked with her after...just the migrane meds. highness will tend to happen when taking those. but i told her she's not allowed to die...cuz ive finally found a lit prof that doesnt make me want to kill myself haha.

but after class frank and i got together. we talked it out and we are so much better now. we're still together. thank god. because i'm shitty at the relationship thing. but im going to try my hardest to make him happy.i want this one to work. no...that's a lie.

i just want to prove that i'm not too messed up to be in a relationship. but when it comes down to it. i dont know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. so how do i really know what i'm supposed to do. we're all human. we're creatures of habit. and as freaking cliche as it is...i cant help but wonder if when i was a kid, if i had a positive relationship model during my childhood, if i would have any idea as to how to be in a healthy relationship now.

but...i really do like him. he gets me.

i talked to one of my exes last night. alex. from home. or not home....whatever we're calling westfield nowadays. anyways...i digress...apparantly i'm too messed up for anyone to understand.

which i get. i'm so freaking nurotic sometimes its amazing that i havent been permintaly committed a la angelina jolie's character in girl, interrupted yet.

god. angelina jolie. she is so perfect. she's so tiny and everybody knows she's the messed up one but she embrases it whereas i just try to run from it.

i think i need to stop trying to be the normal chic. i'm never going to be that way.

changing gears completly-- i've been feeling really musical the past few weeks. moreso then normal. like to the point where i wrote some stuff. none of it is that good but i laid down some of the tracks on garageband...all you mac users know what i'm talking about. it's a godsend. on it you can do everything...vocals, instrumental...everything. i love it.

and i've gotten really into imogen heap/frou frou. check out "hide and seek" by imogen heap and "let go" by frou frou. yeah i'm aware frou frou is her joint project and imogen is the vocalist in the "group". whatever. i like. it's really relaxed but also kind of funky.

in "let go" i love the chorus. it pretty much exemplifies my life.

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right'
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go,
let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

i mean...how can you tel me that doesnt fit me perfectly.

which gets me into how much i'm feeling hawthorne now. really. he pretty much counters keats' whole "truth is beauty, beauty is truth" bullshit.

someone can be so beautiful and so so so messed up too. she can be...poisionous.

i'd think i'm that girl but im far from beautiful.

everything i touch turns to dust. i cant be normal or happy or any of the stuff that i'm supposed to be. i just cant be.

and i'm running out of my poison. which makes me really really sad.

i am nothing without my poison...its who defines me. which is pathetic enough within itself.