fuck was i

yeah i'm back. not feeling it. i really cant stand being here. as soon as i saw his face at the airport, i could feel a panic attack of passive proportions begining to start. its nine hours later and that feeling hasnt left yet. and it wont leave untill i'm on the train back to dc tomorrow.

leaving florida this morning was pathetic. nanny was barely lucid. i think i could even see the deteriation of her mind progress in the short week i was down there. or maybe i'm just being a hypocondriac again. but yeah, she was confused as hell and that made leaving feel any worse. so what if her aid was there...i was getting in a cab and flying back here. at least here i feel somwhat more in control. if that's even possible.

i'm spinning and spinning and spinning and i cant stop.

i'm scared. but it's more of a constant fear. i think this feeling is never going to leave but that doesnt mean i want it to go. it's sick but feeling so lost and constantly on the edge is almost how i define myself.

when i got back i was able to escape to borders for a while. grabbed the phi beta kappa journal, some dickinson & a reference for my chechnya paper. i love bookstores.

i think i'm going to have to do a big antioxodent clense when i get back to school. i want to do just wine, pomegraniate juice, green tea, pears and cranberries for two weeks. i think my body needs it. i need the emptyness.

plus passover is coming up and im going to have to go from focused and happy at one sader with family #1 to intense, fearless and on the brink with family #2 the next night. it'll be easier for me to be on my game and not let anything slip if i'm completly empty.

"hell is empty and all the devils are here"--shakespere