hide and seek

so yeah...i'm not feeling the school thing today. i woke up all motivated but by the time my 9:30 class got out, i wasnt having it anymore. i came back to my room...put on ER and just vegged till noon. and now...i just feel drained. i was actually almost falling asleep in my terrorism class last hour. which is really weird. i'm usually really awake for both my polisci classes. i dont know. maybe i'm just having one of those days.

frank actually came to music today. i never really noticed his arrogance before today. he actually tried to play it off like he was the shit and nobody was really caring. which pissed him off...a lot. damn. he has a temper. and after class i was going to be all nice and at least say hi to him and he just stormed off. whatever. his loss.

actually...that kind of bothers me. i mean...i try to at least be friends with my exes after the fact. and even though frank is a lot of drama, i think we understand each other so we theoretically could be friends. but if he doesnt want to at least make an attempt then i'm not even going to bother.

changing gears, my father is apparantly going to be at the same sader as his sister. at least, for once, the attention wont be on me. no...thats a lie. it will be. but not for the right reasons. and you know whats fucked up? my cousin changed his major from premed to polisci and he is going to get all the attention for being a polisci major and be lauded for trying to make a difference by doing so and i...when i declared my first week of school as a polisci major and have been working in the business for...god knows how long...will be ignored. fuck them. i'm sorry if ive known what i'm going to do for the longest time and i know that i am very very very good at what i do but you wont awknowledge it. i'm sorry if i was with a top-tier campaign last cycle and overperformed but still ended up with a loss. i'm sorry if i got two democrats on westfield council in '05 in wards where we were not even supposed to get 50 votes. i'm sorry if i work with the underdogs and candidates i actually believe in. i'm sorry if i dont focus on the win but changing people's minds and leading the debate...if that just happens to result in a win then so be it. i'm sorry if i refuse to support hillary this early on...or any candidate for that matter...because i havent found one that i can vote for with a clean conscience.

but...i'm still going to go through the motions despite all of the b.s. they put me through. i'll show up...look somewhat respectable. sit down and read from a book that i dont even believe in. answer questions about how i'm doing but always tell them what i want to hear. ill leave and let them think what they want.

i think they'd flip a shit if i told them what i really do on weekends or how i am so unhappy with everything or how as soon as i find like i'm somewhat controlling my own life, i lose it.

whatever. they're family. no law says you have to like them.