you've got a cute little skull

so...as i begin to write this it is 10:42 am. and i cant help to realize that exactly one day from now, i will be in a car with emily...returning to the shitshow i so desperatly fought to escape. lets see...we're planning to leave at 10. so 42 minutes into the drive...we should be over by baltimore...speeding towards delaware then the turnpike then...summit for her and westfield for me.

i honistly question why i go back at all. i know i'm about to quote grey's anatomy but at one point merideth says,

"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

i get that. maybe because i am so conditioned into being the messed-up one with the hideous family life, it's the one thing that defines me. and there is nothing like going home for a weekend to remind me of why i left. or the feeling of absolute liberation i get when i pile back into my car and speed out of that hell.

for me...the escape is the only thing that ever mattered.

i got out of there as soon as i could. before though, i was planning the escape. it had degrees...stages. firstly, was the mental seperation of myself from everything that tied me down. i mean. i was a kid and smart enough to know that running away would have done more harm than anything else. so...i found other ways. and they worked for a while. or not work...but they carried me through to a point where i could not deal with everything that was going on. sort of a metaphysical escape. but it worked untill i was FINALLY out of there.

i think the day i left was the best day. i was free.

but their tenticles keep trying to reach me and suck me back in to their lives.

even for this summer. i scored the dfa gig in burlington. it's 8 hours from jersey. you'd think, if i actually gave a damn about my family coming to visit me, i wouldnt choose to be so far away. but no...if i don't invite them up i'm going to hear about it constantly. and run the risk of having them show up unexpectedly (they've done it before and i dont think they'd hesitate to do it again). if i do invite them up...it's going to defeat the point of me being gone for three months. because...what you have to understand...it takes me like a week to mentally prepare myself to see my family for more than an hour. and after they leave, it puts me in such a bad place that i need a few weeks to bring myself back down.

but at least passover comes with wine. and theoretically other stuff. =)

(i am so messed up)