packing for me comes in stages... first comes a list of what i need to bring back. and somewhere between deciding which pair of black pumps i wanted to bring up...i began to wonder...
what SPF sunscreen will protect me from the firey abyss i am about to return to?
and my little brother has off from school this week for spring break. and because of his...shall we call them insecresions...is grounded. and there is no way he can get out of it because mother is going to be home both days. so there will be no real escape from his 15 (yeah...i found out he's 15--not 16. whoops.) year old angst. and i think just because he HAS to stay home, he is going to try to make it as miserable for everbody around him. but, can you really blame the kid?
running the college dems table earlier was actually really fun. i met this incoming freshie and she was really happy i could pronounce her name (ayelet -blessing in hebrew- also my cousin's name) and she was really shy but i think i got her to open up. she's not really political but wants to become more active...which is really good. i mean, she's young...cant even vote yet.
but this morning, i went to brunch with anora. somthing they didnt tell you---admitted students days ALWAYS have the best food! and i was starting to feel kind of dizzy when i stood up from not eating so i figure...dying pretty is always good but i'm just not pretty enough yet. anyways...all of the kids and their families were in the dining hall. and we just sat there...trying to figure what architype each kid fit in to. i know it's superficial, but you can tell a lot about people by their facial expressions, attire and how they interact with the environment they are in.
and then this afternoon when i met a lot of the kids...i'm happy to say that i was right! this one kid...my friends and i nicknamed him "awkward bunny" cuz he's like 6'3" easy and lanky as all hell and has the tiniest head ever and kind of loafs along...he came to my table and it was so cute. he was so shy. but, from what i got out of him, he seems like he is a pretty genuinely nice kid. if he comes here next year, i'm going to have to look out for him....kids like that are so easily manipulated. usually by people like me.
and there was the mothers...oy vey. i was talking about college dems to this one mom and her kid and the mom...in the middle of my spiel yelled at her daughter for not standing up straight. i felt so bad for her. freaking authoritaritan whores. and there are the moms who think they still are in college. i was right next to the cheer table and saw this one mom who dressed exactly like her daughter. cute on the kid but wayyy gross on the mom. i mean...i'm all for self-expression and that good stuff but there reaches a point where you shouldnt walk around in a bright pink cami with a micro mini. especially with your daughter. i mean...have some self-resepect. what kind of an example are you giving your daughter if you dress like a whore. especially at somthing like this.
i think though...i'm pretty much over the drama here. wherever you go...people are going to talk shit about you. i mean, i'm not excluding myself from the shit-talkers but it just sucks that this is what we have resorted to. but i think the main difference between me and everyone else is that anything i say behind someone's back, i have no problem saying it to their faces.
i dont know...whatever.
i'm becoming into an early person. because i've been running every morning at 5, ive been waking up around 4 to have a quick shower to wake up and get caffinated to the point where i CAN run and not die. but this weekend...i decided i was going to sleep in till 7 and run then. didn't work so well. i was up at 430. after passing out around an hour prior. but...i still ran. and i didnt even set my alarm this morning.
i like being awake before everybody though. i can relax, have my coffee, maybe finish some reading for class or just read for fun. i love reading poetry in the morning...as the sun is rising...it's so relaxing. almost inspiring. i guess to see that regardless of all the crap going on...the sun will always rise. there will always be that one constant.
and ive been so much more productive. i guess because i'm awake, after my run and such...i have a few hours before class starts to do homework. and i dont feel like i'm as overburdened by my work. i mean, i'm taking 5 classes and writing and consulting and tutoring...but i like being busy. and the classes i'm in...i want to do the work. they all...for the most part...are on somthing i'm interested in so it's not that painful to do what i need to be preprared.
and running for me...i think it's theraputic. just leaving everything behind me, blocking out the world with my ipod and just letting go. i dont think. i just run.
as for the hour count till home...lets just say its 7 now...15 hours till we leave...18.5 hours till i'm in hell.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
you've got a cute little skull
so...as i begin to write this it is 10:42 am. and i cant help to realize that exactly one day from now, i will be in a car with emily...returning to the shitshow i so desperatly fought to escape. lets see...we're planning to leave at 10. so 42 minutes into the drive...we should be over by baltimore...speeding towards delaware then the turnpike then...summit for her and westfield for me.
i honistly question why i go back at all. i know i'm about to quote grey's anatomy but at one point merideth says,
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
i get that. maybe because i am so conditioned into being the messed-up one with the hideous family life, it's the one thing that defines me. and there is nothing like going home for a weekend to remind me of why i left. or the feeling of absolute liberation i get when i pile back into my car and speed out of that hell.
for me...the escape is the only thing that ever mattered.
i got out of there as soon as i could. before though, i was planning the escape. it had degrees...stages. firstly, was the mental seperation of myself from everything that tied me down. i mean. i was a kid and smart enough to know that running away would have done more harm than anything else. so...i found other ways. and they worked for a while. or not work...but they carried me through to a point where i could not deal with everything that was going on. sort of a metaphysical escape. but it worked untill i was FINALLY out of there.
i think the day i left was the best day. i was free.
but their tenticles keep trying to reach me and suck me back in to their lives.
even for this summer. i scored the dfa gig in burlington. it's 8 hours from jersey. you'd think, if i actually gave a damn about my family coming to visit me, i wouldnt choose to be so far away. but no...if i don't invite them up i'm going to hear about it constantly. and run the risk of having them show up unexpectedly (they've done it before and i dont think they'd hesitate to do it again). if i do invite them up...it's going to defeat the point of me being gone for three months. because...what you have to understand...it takes me like a week to mentally prepare myself to see my family for more than an hour. and after they leave, it puts me in such a bad place that i need a few weeks to bring myself back down.
but at least passover comes with wine. and theoretically other stuff. =)
(i am so messed up)
i honistly question why i go back at all. i know i'm about to quote grey's anatomy but at one point merideth says,
"Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
i get that. maybe because i am so conditioned into being the messed-up one with the hideous family life, it's the one thing that defines me. and there is nothing like going home for a weekend to remind me of why i left. or the feeling of absolute liberation i get when i pile back into my car and speed out of that hell.
for me...the escape is the only thing that ever mattered.
i got out of there as soon as i could. before though, i was planning the escape. it had degrees...stages. firstly, was the mental seperation of myself from everything that tied me down. i mean. i was a kid and smart enough to know that running away would have done more harm than anything else. so...i found other ways. and they worked for a while. or not work...but they carried me through to a point where i could not deal with everything that was going on. sort of a metaphysical escape. but it worked untill i was FINALLY out of there.
i think the day i left was the best day. i was free.
but their tenticles keep trying to reach me and suck me back in to their lives.
even for this summer. i scored the dfa gig in burlington. it's 8 hours from jersey. you'd think, if i actually gave a damn about my family coming to visit me, i wouldnt choose to be so far away. but no...if i don't invite them up i'm going to hear about it constantly. and run the risk of having them show up unexpectedly (they've done it before and i dont think they'd hesitate to do it again). if i do invite them up...it's going to defeat the point of me being gone for three months. because...what you have to understand...it takes me like a week to mentally prepare myself to see my family for more than an hour. and after they leave, it puts me in such a bad place that i need a few weeks to bring myself back down.
but at least passover comes with wine. and theoretically other stuff. =)
(i am so messed up)
Friday, March 30, 2007
have you got it in you?
t minus 1 day and counting till i go back to jersey. to say that i'm making myself with worry wuld be the biggest understatement of the year. i am absolutly dreading this visit. even my friends are having premonitions of disaster upon my return to the suburban abyss, void of all personality and expression.
i dont know what i am more afraid of...having to face my family as a whole or having to deal with my mother and brother for three days. within my family, i am the outlier. i didn't go to a bitchy yeshiva in the city for middle & high school. i don't care that much about religion. sure...i can give you the basic premice of what the deal is for each holiday but that's it. i cant quote the rebbi. i'm not at an elite ivy-league school or some ultra-liberal arts school. i'm not at all afraid to have an opinion...even if expressing it fucks me over in the end.
and i know it's extremly cliche to blame mother for everything. because it's not all her fault. but at least my father and i have a decent working relationship. as in...we talk. occationally. without screaming. and he treats me like the adult i am. whereas with mother...she is like a bad movie. like the girl who tried out for "the stepford wives" and they didnt take her cuz she was too fake. with her. it's all about appearances. and if you have a different opinion...you'd better watch your ass. because she won't even allow it to enter her mind. she will scream and scream and scream and refuse to listen to you. because...her way is the only way. to have another idea is sheer blasphamy.
as for my brother. i dont know if he's just in his "fuck you, i hate everyone cuz i'm an angsty brat" stage or what. but he needs to learn some respect. not even for others...but for himself. he's brillant but doesnt apply himself. this kid...if he applied half the energy he puts into making a jackass of himself into his schoolwork. this kid would be at harvard in a second. and he is so arrogant. he's the kind of kid who will make fun of the handicapped kids to their faces. one day...somebody is going to beat the shit out of him. and he is going to diserve every moment of it.
and home...i mean. it never really was my home. and i have all of these bad memories connected with there that it gets to the point in which i'll have panic attacks of massive preportions. i just dont fit into the westfield model. sorry if i have an origional thought. whoops. i'm sorry you're all drones and will most likley ammount to nothing more than car salesmen and trophy wives.
earlier...tim and i ended up walking to starbucks and just chatting afterwards in the pergola. it's actually really amusing to see how different we both are and were in high school. from what he was telling me, he was the goofy, popular kid...prom court...all that crap. i was the kid who got the hell out of high school as fast as humanly possible.
i think my main adversion to high school came with a few realizations:
-stupidity is a disease and must be avoided like the plague.
-high school teachers were either the superpopular kid and never want high school to end or the absolute dork out looking for revenge after the fact on the kids who made them miserable
-immaturity is directly proportional to the number of people in a room.
but whatever. i went. i did my schoolwork. got good grades. graduated. that's all that really matters.
completly shifting gears...i tried reading some more of conrad's heart of darkness earlier. this is after not picking up one of my favorite pieces ever after dr. carter tried to suck the life out of it for me earlier in the semester before dropping her class. anyways...i love it. i love conrad. i mean...how can you not love:
"We live, as we dream--alone. . . ."
i actually really like that thought. the fact that we're in a state of perpetual lonliness and the only way to snap out of your emotional state is to become completly reclusive. because when it comes dwn to it....nobody is going to be there for you. in the end...it really is only you and your dreams.
depressing, no?
i think i'm starting to accept the fact that i cannot be loved. i am too messed up. and i am going to die alone...
i also read a lot of dickinson today. sorry. i was feeling literary.
---640---
I cannot live with You –
It would be Life –
And Life is over there –
Behind the Shelf
The Sexton keeps the Key to –
Putting up
Our Life – His Porcelain –
Like a Cup –
Discarded of the Housewife –
Quaint – or Broke –
A newer Sevres pleases –
Old Ones crack –
I could not die – with You –
For One must wait
To shut the Other's Gaze down –
You – could not –
And I – could I stand by
And see You – freeze –
Without my Right of Frost –
Death's privilege?
Nor could I rise – with You –
Because Your Face
Would put out Jesus' –
That New Grace
Glow plain – and foreign
On my homesick Eye –
Except that You than He
Shone closer by –
They'd judge Us – How –
For You – served Heaven – You know,
Or sought to –
I could not –
Because You saturated Sight –
And I had no more Eyes
For sordid excellence
As Paradise
And were You lost, I would be –
Though My Name
Rang loudest
On the Heavenly fame –
And were You – saved –
And I – condemned to be
Where You were not –
That self – were Hell to Me –
So We must meet apart –
You there – I – here –
With just the Door ajar
That Oceans are – and Prayer –
And that White Sustenance –
Despair –
just ponder that for a moment.
and...i just got an image while i was retyping that...of a woman. i have never met her before in my life and i've yet to meet anyone who looks like her but...i've been getting these feelings of her presence around me. just a second ago...she was clad in a white, hippie-ish dress...with wild hair flowing out from behind her. she was slowly decending down the staircase. almost floating.
i wholeheartidly believe in ghoastly spirits. and i think i have one here with me right now. she is strong. she embodies all that i cannot see nor feel nor have the capacity to. she is perfection. and i want her presence to enter my psyche so i can become closer to this spirit. closer to the voices that came before me...so i can question the source of their strength and maybe...for once...
feel inspired.
i dont know what i am more afraid of...having to face my family as a whole or having to deal with my mother and brother for three days. within my family, i am the outlier. i didn't go to a bitchy yeshiva in the city for middle & high school. i don't care that much about religion. sure...i can give you the basic premice of what the deal is for each holiday but that's it. i cant quote the rebbi. i'm not at an elite ivy-league school or some ultra-liberal arts school. i'm not at all afraid to have an opinion...even if expressing it fucks me over in the end.
and i know it's extremly cliche to blame mother for everything. because it's not all her fault. but at least my father and i have a decent working relationship. as in...we talk. occationally. without screaming. and he treats me like the adult i am. whereas with mother...she is like a bad movie. like the girl who tried out for "the stepford wives" and they didnt take her cuz she was too fake. with her. it's all about appearances. and if you have a different opinion...you'd better watch your ass. because she won't even allow it to enter her mind. she will scream and scream and scream and refuse to listen to you. because...her way is the only way. to have another idea is sheer blasphamy.
as for my brother. i dont know if he's just in his "fuck you, i hate everyone cuz i'm an angsty brat" stage or what. but he needs to learn some respect. not even for others...but for himself. he's brillant but doesnt apply himself. this kid...if he applied half the energy he puts into making a jackass of himself into his schoolwork. this kid would be at harvard in a second. and he is so arrogant. he's the kind of kid who will make fun of the handicapped kids to their faces. one day...somebody is going to beat the shit out of him. and he is going to diserve every moment of it.
and home...i mean. it never really was my home. and i have all of these bad memories connected with there that it gets to the point in which i'll have panic attacks of massive preportions. i just dont fit into the westfield model. sorry if i have an origional thought. whoops. i'm sorry you're all drones and will most likley ammount to nothing more than car salesmen and trophy wives.
earlier...tim and i ended up walking to starbucks and just chatting afterwards in the pergola. it's actually really amusing to see how different we both are and were in high school. from what he was telling me, he was the goofy, popular kid...prom court...all that crap. i was the kid who got the hell out of high school as fast as humanly possible.
i think my main adversion to high school came with a few realizations:
-stupidity is a disease and must be avoided like the plague.
-high school teachers were either the superpopular kid and never want high school to end or the absolute dork out looking for revenge after the fact on the kids who made them miserable
-immaturity is directly proportional to the number of people in a room.
but whatever. i went. i did my schoolwork. got good grades. graduated. that's all that really matters.
completly shifting gears...i tried reading some more of conrad's heart of darkness earlier. this is after not picking up one of my favorite pieces ever after dr. carter tried to suck the life out of it for me earlier in the semester before dropping her class. anyways...i love it. i love conrad. i mean...how can you not love:
"We live, as we dream--alone. . . ."
i actually really like that thought. the fact that we're in a state of perpetual lonliness and the only way to snap out of your emotional state is to become completly reclusive. because when it comes dwn to it....nobody is going to be there for you. in the end...it really is only you and your dreams.
depressing, no?
i think i'm starting to accept the fact that i cannot be loved. i am too messed up. and i am going to die alone...
i also read a lot of dickinson today. sorry. i was feeling literary.
---640---
I cannot live with You –
It would be Life –
And Life is over there –
Behind the Shelf
The Sexton keeps the Key to –
Putting up
Our Life – His Porcelain –
Like a Cup –
Discarded of the Housewife –
Quaint – or Broke –
A newer Sevres pleases –
Old Ones crack –
I could not die – with You –
For One must wait
To shut the Other's Gaze down –
You – could not –
And I – could I stand by
And see You – freeze –
Without my Right of Frost –
Death's privilege?
Nor could I rise – with You –
Because Your Face
Would put out Jesus' –
That New Grace
Glow plain – and foreign
On my homesick Eye –
Except that You than He
Shone closer by –
They'd judge Us – How –
For You – served Heaven – You know,
Or sought to –
I could not –
Because You saturated Sight –
And I had no more Eyes
For sordid excellence
As Paradise
And were You lost, I would be –
Though My Name
Rang loudest
On the Heavenly fame –
And were You – saved –
And I – condemned to be
Where You were not –
That self – were Hell to Me –
So We must meet apart –
You there – I – here –
With just the Door ajar
That Oceans are – and Prayer –
And that White Sustenance –
Despair –
just ponder that for a moment.
and...i just got an image while i was retyping that...of a woman. i have never met her before in my life and i've yet to meet anyone who looks like her but...i've been getting these feelings of her presence around me. just a second ago...she was clad in a white, hippie-ish dress...with wild hair flowing out from behind her. she was slowly decending down the staircase. almost floating.
i wholeheartidly believe in ghoastly spirits. and i think i have one here with me right now. she is strong. she embodies all that i cannot see nor feel nor have the capacity to. she is perfection. and i want her presence to enter my psyche so i can become closer to this spirit. closer to the voices that came before me...so i can question the source of their strength and maybe...for once...
feel inspired.
john, i'm only dancing
i've realized that if i dont make a list of what i need to get done today...then it's just not going to happen. i think i need to physically see what i have to do in order for me to want to do it ( i know...that sentence didnt make sence. but that's ok).
what i need to accomplish today--
*music quiz
*flyers for college democrats
*return orders to beals
*pack for home
what needs to go home with me--
*two outfits for the saders
*jogging shoes
*terrorism, lit, ir, newswriting, music work
*camera
*flat iron
*fleur de lys necklace
i've been really obsessed with my fleur de lys these past few days. it's actually on a duel chain...one smaller and one larger. both in silver. the silver fleur de lys symbolizes peace and sincerity. i think...especially with everything going on right now...i need the reminder of what really matters. the internal peace we all have...no matter how crazy things get in our lives...and the sincerity within our hearts to recognize that we are all irreperably broken.
what i need to accomplish today--
*music quiz
*flyers for college democrats
*return orders to beals
*pack for home
what needs to go home with me--
*two outfits for the saders
*jogging shoes
*terrorism, lit, ir, newswriting, music work
*camera
*flat iron
*fleur de lys necklace
i've been really obsessed with my fleur de lys these past few days. it's actually on a duel chain...one smaller and one larger. both in silver. the silver fleur de lys symbolizes peace and sincerity. i think...especially with everything going on right now...i need the reminder of what really matters. the internal peace we all have...no matter how crazy things get in our lives...and the sincerity within our hearts to recognize that we are all irreperably broken.
could be anything
worst hunger pains immaginable right now. i tend to not eat. sorry. whoops. not like i have an eating disorder or anything.
i'd like to think of it as more disordered eating. i'll not eat for a week or so then eat normally for a few days...then not eat again. i dont really know what triggers my fasts...stress maybe. or the fact that i rarely have time to eat. or being busy. i mean...i dont know. there are so many other things i could be doing instead of eating. and there are so many people going hungry by their situation rather than by choice...i feel almost guilty to have the ability and means in which to eat...but i choose not to eat.
i really want to just be able to dance between the raindrops and not get wet. to turn sideways and disapear. i like that word. disapear. i think...for the longest time i've been seaching for somthing to do...what my ultimate goal should be. and i think it should be to dissapear. not like die...but just not to be noticed.
and even by saying that...that's kind of paradoxical because my biggest fear is to be forgotten. and it's not like i hate humanity or anything...i just dont like how societly instantly judges. everyone. on everything.
there is never a second chance for a first impression.
ugh...its been three days since i last ate. i love the point where i am heading towards. that absolute emptyness. i think part of me wants to proove that i am strong enough to survive independantly of any means. including food. but i really just need my stomache to stop growling at itself. i know...it's just part of the purification process but damn...i need to get to bed.
i emailed my high school lit prof...just to check in. i wonder what he's up to. he was my person in high school...so chill...easy to talk to...always listened. relaxed. relaxing. always knew what to say to bring you back down. i miss the guy. i think he was the first teacher or prof ever that ive ever connected with in a way that is not simply based on grades. because when it comes down to in...an education is not (or it shouldnt be just based on grades). yeah...the validation of getting an A is always nice but for me...education is about personal growth and a good prof will foster that. he did that. it was never anything major but all of the little chats about absolutly nothing of substance or occationally talking about the coursework...i dont know. he made me a better person.
i think...especially in high school...you need someone like that to keep you grounded.
i'd like to think of it as more disordered eating. i'll not eat for a week or so then eat normally for a few days...then not eat again. i dont really know what triggers my fasts...stress maybe. or the fact that i rarely have time to eat. or being busy. i mean...i dont know. there are so many other things i could be doing instead of eating. and there are so many people going hungry by their situation rather than by choice...i feel almost guilty to have the ability and means in which to eat...but i choose not to eat.
i really want to just be able to dance between the raindrops and not get wet. to turn sideways and disapear. i like that word. disapear. i think...for the longest time i've been seaching for somthing to do...what my ultimate goal should be. and i think it should be to dissapear. not like die...but just not to be noticed.
and even by saying that...that's kind of paradoxical because my biggest fear is to be forgotten. and it's not like i hate humanity or anything...i just dont like how societly instantly judges. everyone. on everything.
there is never a second chance for a first impression.
ugh...its been three days since i last ate. i love the point where i am heading towards. that absolute emptyness. i think part of me wants to proove that i am strong enough to survive independantly of any means. including food. but i really just need my stomache to stop growling at itself. i know...it's just part of the purification process but damn...i need to get to bed.
i emailed my high school lit prof...just to check in. i wonder what he's up to. he was my person in high school...so chill...easy to talk to...always listened. relaxed. relaxing. always knew what to say to bring you back down. i miss the guy. i think he was the first teacher or prof ever that ive ever connected with in a way that is not simply based on grades. because when it comes down to in...an education is not (or it shouldnt be just based on grades). yeah...the validation of getting an A is always nice but for me...education is about personal growth and a good prof will foster that. he did that. it was never anything major but all of the little chats about absolutly nothing of substance or occationally talking about the coursework...i dont know. he made me a better person.
i think...especially in high school...you need someone like that to keep you grounded.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
just for now
the paper has been turned in. whatever. it is what it is.
i would have thought that after i turned it in i would feel better about it...that it's out of my hands. but no. i'm still freaking out. and my prof blatently told me after class that it was good. but still. i dont want my writing to be good. i want it to be great. i want someone to read it and have that "ah ha" moment. the moment that gets their brain moving. i know having that happen vis a vis an academic paper is pretty much impossible but...if i cant at least make some sort of statement through my writing then i dont know if i want to even do it. i mean...what's the point?
and even though it's in now...there is still so much i could have done. i made so many stupid mistakes...left out quotation marks surrounding a title, had a misplaced period (or three)...that sort of stuff.
i think that almost bothers me more...fucking up on the insignificant things. to me, by doing so...it shows how amateur my writing still is. i dont want to be a crappy writer. yeah. i'd much rather write somthing creative but if i cant do the papers and such required for my degrees then i am really really scared that i'm never going to be writing at the level i know i can.
if i didnt need to have a real job...part of me wishes i could just write all the time. just write everything. and take pictures of everything. just be an impartial observer commenting and creating....completly immune from societial pressures. the ultimate reclusive free spirit.
but...thats never gonna happen.
i would have thought that after i turned it in i would feel better about it...that it's out of my hands. but no. i'm still freaking out. and my prof blatently told me after class that it was good. but still. i dont want my writing to be good. i want it to be great. i want someone to read it and have that "ah ha" moment. the moment that gets their brain moving. i know having that happen vis a vis an academic paper is pretty much impossible but...if i cant at least make some sort of statement through my writing then i dont know if i want to even do it. i mean...what's the point?
and even though it's in now...there is still so much i could have done. i made so many stupid mistakes...left out quotation marks surrounding a title, had a misplaced period (or three)...that sort of stuff.
i think that almost bothers me more...fucking up on the insignificant things. to me, by doing so...it shows how amateur my writing still is. i dont want to be a crappy writer. yeah. i'd much rather write somthing creative but if i cant do the papers and such required for my degrees then i am really really scared that i'm never going to be writing at the level i know i can.
if i didnt need to have a real job...part of me wishes i could just write all the time. just write everything. and take pictures of everything. just be an impartial observer commenting and creating....completly immune from societial pressures. the ultimate reclusive free spirit.
but...thats never gonna happen.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
daylight robbery
i guess i'm done with the paper. i've edited and edited and edited some more....to the point where my prof basically told me to stop. whoops. sorry.
i guess its just cuz im never going to be happy with my writing. now. or ever.
cuz im never going to be happy. now. or ever.
extremly tired. bed. now. i need sleep. i'm just so physically and mentally exahusted.
and tomorrow is going to be sucky.
the great registrar gods listened and it looks like i can take what i want next semester and still have time to work.
as of now i want to take intro to latin, some writing class called "the journey"..its a 100 level but i think i'm going to need somthing more chill, modern political thought, public policy analysis, contemporary philosophical topics and lastly public relations. not too bad. everything but policy & pr are done by 150 so i can work afternoons and the other two classes are once a week from like 5 to 730. and its 18 credits which is important.
i figure latin wont be too bad. i'm farely decent with languages and pick up on vocab pretty easily. writing...whatever. modern thought is going to be a bitch but its a required course for polisci and same with policy. cept i love policy. its like crack for losers like me. pr should be easy. its common sence to me. and philosophy should be interesting. at nerd camp in 8th grade i did a philsophy course at vassar...loved it.
photoshoot with everyone today was amazing. i love the kids. really...they are my rocks here.
perspective date found in terrorism class today. cept he's a republican. but really...thats the only fault i can see thusfar. more to come as this develops.
cept i'm damaged goods and nobody will ever want me.
i guess its just cuz im never going to be happy with my writing. now. or ever.
cuz im never going to be happy. now. or ever.
extremly tired. bed. now. i need sleep. i'm just so physically and mentally exahusted.
and tomorrow is going to be sucky.
the great registrar gods listened and it looks like i can take what i want next semester and still have time to work.
as of now i want to take intro to latin, some writing class called "the journey"..its a 100 level but i think i'm going to need somthing more chill, modern political thought, public policy analysis, contemporary philosophical topics and lastly public relations. not too bad. everything but policy & pr are done by 150 so i can work afternoons and the other two classes are once a week from like 5 to 730. and its 18 credits which is important.
i figure latin wont be too bad. i'm farely decent with languages and pick up on vocab pretty easily. writing...whatever. modern thought is going to be a bitch but its a required course for polisci and same with policy. cept i love policy. its like crack for losers like me. pr should be easy. its common sence to me. and philosophy should be interesting. at nerd camp in 8th grade i did a philsophy course at vassar...loved it.
photoshoot with everyone today was amazing. i love the kids. really...they are my rocks here.
perspective date found in terrorism class today. cept he's a republican. but really...thats the only fault i can see thusfar. more to come as this develops.
cept i'm damaged goods and nobody will ever want me.
kill me mk?
i mentioned last night/early this morning that i've been grappiling with the almost parilytic fear over my definition of perfection never being reached. it's actually been really bothering me all day. i dont really know why. maybe it is because of the fluidity of the word "perfection" in society. or maybe because my definition of perfection is constantly changing.
anyways. i decided to make a list. i know. whatever. but this is what i concider perfection to be. not just physical but emotional, spiritual, intellectual...everything.
and please keep in mind that i am not what would be called normal. i've got dark and twisty things going on inside me. but this list is mine...despite (or because of) how i view the world...this is what i consider true perfection to be right now:
-sunrise on the north end of long beach island
-the color white
-allegra beck versace
-baker park at night
-magic hour
-1993 napa pinot noir select
-really really good writing
this paper...its still not done. is going to be the DEATH of me. no matter what i do...it is never ever ever going to be good enough. i know i am going to have to turn it in tomorrow and i'm not going to be happy with it.
but then...are we ever really happy?
and also...you know that feeling where you finally get control. and you have it for a nanosecond. and then...its just gone. i thought i had my control finally back and its not.
and that scares the shit out of me.
anyways. i decided to make a list. i know. whatever. but this is what i concider perfection to be. not just physical but emotional, spiritual, intellectual...everything.
and please keep in mind that i am not what would be called normal. i've got dark and twisty things going on inside me. but this list is mine...despite (or because of) how i view the world...this is what i consider true perfection to be right now:
-sunrise on the north end of long beach island
-the color white
-allegra beck versace
-baker park at night
-magic hour
-1993 napa pinot noir select
-really really good writing
this paper...its still not done. is going to be the DEATH of me. no matter what i do...it is never ever ever going to be good enough. i know i am going to have to turn it in tomorrow and i'm not going to be happy with it.
but then...are we ever really happy?
and also...you know that feeling where you finally get control. and you have it for a nanosecond. and then...its just gone. i thought i had my control finally back and its not.
and that scares the shit out of me.
i hate everyone
i dont really hate everyone...it's a song by get set go that i'm really into right now. it makes me happy, ok? it has this really fun, funky, chill vibe to it. and if you listen to the lyrics, it's kind of hilarious.
i gave up on the draft at around 1:15 and shot it over to my prof. thank goodness i'm a bit ocd about checking my email cuz when i did around half hour later, i got a responce! which makes me really happy. because the draft i sent over doesnt have a conclusion and my transitions & intro are pretty choppy. i think the paper right now is at a low to middle C range...and i'd like to bring it up to a solid to high B if at all possible. which i can do by NOT fucking up my MLA format & fixing some stuff. and adding some stuff...whatever...the night is young my dears.
except that i think i'm going to just go to bed and continue anew in a few hours. i'm running at 5am for an hour or so. and i think anything i write now just wont be at the level i'd like it to be and i'd just end up redoing it. and by redoing it, i mean rewriting it completly. so there really is no point.
crap. i'm lazy. i really should work on it more now. but i figure...i get back from my run around 615-620, shower & change...if i start working on it at around 8, i can put in a few solid hours before class at 1.i figure...5 hours of work should be enough to get it to the point where i wouldn't feel bad about emailing it back to my prof for some more feedback (and not feel like i'm sending her the exact same thing). then music at 1, terrorism at 2. photoshoot with tim at 315ish...get back here by 6 or 7 depending on the time we actually get out there and how long my memory cards hold out...put in a few more hours worth of work to get it to the level in which i'd feel somewhat decent about turning it in right then and there. i should be fine.
the thought occored to me earlier...what happens if perfection doesnt exist? then what? has everything i've been working towards the past decade been for naught? am i never going to see the day where i can look in the mirror and evaluate myself and say "perfect" and not feel like i'm lying to myself?
the registrar is really bumming me out. we're supposed to meet with our advisors soon to get approved for registereing for classes and they still havent put up the course list for next fall. how are all of the overachieving, OCD kiddies (myself included) going to know what to take? come on people! put the list up on IQweb so i can worry (read-obsess) over one less thing.
goals for tomorrow-
1) sprint the first 20 and the last 25 minutes of my run and do the middle 15 minutes at a moderate-hard run
2) check with the registrar to see a-when class list is going up, b-if my transcripts were sent, c-why my vassar credit hasnt come through yet, d-pass in my withdrawal from religion
3) draft chechnya paper plan for terrorism
4) start research on russian fed for intnl relations
5) packing list for home
6) get at least one good shot using negative space
7) email high school profs to just check in
8) check amazon packages status & expected delivery dates
9) dye hair
10) turn in CDA forms for our meeting's date change and pick a day for the fundraiser. i'm thinking the last week in april? stay tuned for specifics but it's going to be amazing. not to mention the fact that we need money...badly.
yes...that's right. i want to try to do my hair at some point tomorow. same color, just touch up my roots and add some caramel lowlights so it doesnt look brassy.
also...ive been really into the song "how we operate" by gomez. it has this funky vibe to it. i cant quite place it. i want to either say its a central american or middle eastern vibe but dont quote me on that. and the vocals are really relaxed. almost a bluesy or southern tinge to the vocalist. whatever it is...i like it!
yeah. i know i sound like a normal teenager. i'm sorry. i'll try not to let it happen again.
gosh i am such a chic.
i gave up on the draft at around 1:15 and shot it over to my prof. thank goodness i'm a bit ocd about checking my email cuz when i did around half hour later, i got a responce! which makes me really happy. because the draft i sent over doesnt have a conclusion and my transitions & intro are pretty choppy. i think the paper right now is at a low to middle C range...and i'd like to bring it up to a solid to high B if at all possible. which i can do by NOT fucking up my MLA format & fixing some stuff. and adding some stuff...whatever...the night is young my dears.
except that i think i'm going to just go to bed and continue anew in a few hours. i'm running at 5am for an hour or so. and i think anything i write now just wont be at the level i'd like it to be and i'd just end up redoing it. and by redoing it, i mean rewriting it completly. so there really is no point.
crap. i'm lazy. i really should work on it more now. but i figure...i get back from my run around 615-620, shower & change...if i start working on it at around 8, i can put in a few solid hours before class at 1.i figure...5 hours of work should be enough to get it to the point where i wouldn't feel bad about emailing it back to my prof for some more feedback (and not feel like i'm sending her the exact same thing). then music at 1, terrorism at 2. photoshoot with tim at 315ish...get back here by 6 or 7 depending on the time we actually get out there and how long my memory cards hold out...put in a few more hours worth of work to get it to the level in which i'd feel somewhat decent about turning it in right then and there. i should be fine.
the thought occored to me earlier...what happens if perfection doesnt exist? then what? has everything i've been working towards the past decade been for naught? am i never going to see the day where i can look in the mirror and evaluate myself and say "perfect" and not feel like i'm lying to myself?
the registrar is really bumming me out. we're supposed to meet with our advisors soon to get approved for registereing for classes and they still havent put up the course list for next fall. how are all of the overachieving, OCD kiddies (myself included) going to know what to take? come on people! put the list up on IQweb so i can worry (read-obsess) over one less thing.
goals for tomorrow-
1) sprint the first 20 and the last 25 minutes of my run and do the middle 15 minutes at a moderate-hard run
2) check with the registrar to see a-when class list is going up, b-if my transcripts were sent, c-why my vassar credit hasnt come through yet, d-pass in my withdrawal from religion
3) draft chechnya paper plan for terrorism
4) start research on russian fed for intnl relations
5) packing list for home
6) get at least one good shot using negative space
7) email high school profs to just check in
8) check amazon packages status & expected delivery dates
9) dye hair
10) turn in CDA forms for our meeting's date change and pick a day for the fundraiser. i'm thinking the last week in april? stay tuned for specifics but it's going to be amazing. not to mention the fact that we need money...badly.
yes...that's right. i want to try to do my hair at some point tomorow. same color, just touch up my roots and add some caramel lowlights so it doesnt look brassy.
also...ive been really into the song "how we operate" by gomez. it has this funky vibe to it. i cant quite place it. i want to either say its a central american or middle eastern vibe but dont quote me on that. and the vocals are really relaxed. almost a bluesy or southern tinge to the vocalist. whatever it is...i like it!
yeah. i know i sound like a normal teenager. i'm sorry. i'll try not to let it happen again.
gosh i am such a chic.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
such great heights
i'm dropping my religion class. i dont care if i have another withdrawal on my transcript. i think that the grad schools would much rather see that i withdrew and ask me to explain. in which i say that i realized i was going to fail the class and therefore made the decision to back out gracefully.
kind of awkward earlier...i was studying outside by campus commons and it got too loud so i moved around to the steps by one of the humanities buildings so i could focus. and i totally forgot that's where my lit prof chills before class. so halfway into my pack of cigarettes & daisy miller, a study i hear:
"you know you're slowly committing suicide."
i glance up and who is it but my prof. whatever. but...i do credit her with the line of the day. because when it comes down to it, aren't we all slowly killing ourselves...be it through somthing as simple as relaxing outside in the sunlight (leading to melanoma) or breathing in pollution (leading to lung cancer) or consuming products that might not be the best for us (heart attacks, morbid obesity, diabetites, etc) or being in a stressful situation (ulcers, heart attacks, strokes).
goal for tonight-- have a draft of my lit paper emailed out by 3am. totally doable.
if that gets done...maybe start packing or making my list for what i need to bring home for passover.
added bonus of getting a farly decent draft done tonight....tim kuhn photoshoot tomorow afternoon!!! heck yes!!!
...its cuz we're cute like that!
god...i love caffene.
kind of awkward earlier...i was studying outside by campus commons and it got too loud so i moved around to the steps by one of the humanities buildings so i could focus. and i totally forgot that's where my lit prof chills before class. so halfway into my pack of cigarettes & daisy miller, a study i hear:
"you know you're slowly committing suicide."
i glance up and who is it but my prof. whatever. but...i do credit her with the line of the day. because when it comes down to it, aren't we all slowly killing ourselves...be it through somthing as simple as relaxing outside in the sunlight (leading to melanoma) or breathing in pollution (leading to lung cancer) or consuming products that might not be the best for us (heart attacks, morbid obesity, diabetites, etc) or being in a stressful situation (ulcers, heart attacks, strokes).
goal for tonight-- have a draft of my lit paper emailed out by 3am. totally doable.
if that gets done...maybe start packing or making my list for what i need to bring home for passover.
added bonus of getting a farly decent draft done tonight....tim kuhn photoshoot tomorow afternoon!!! heck yes!!!
...its cuz we're cute like that!
god...i love caffene.
Monday, March 26, 2007
grace
i just got back from my first ever tim kuhn photoshoot! it was an absolutly perfect end to a shitty day. tim is one of the only true friends i have here. he's the kind of person who will never judge you or hold anything against you. and he'll tell you youre beautiful even when you feel and look like death on a triscut. not to mention he's an amazing photographer.
we ended up walking over to baker park and taking nighttime pics and just talking. i love walking around at night. it was really cool to see the cool shadowing i could get. recently, ive been playing around with the ideas of negative space and the contrast between light and dark so i was able to snap some pretty nice shots. we're gonna go back wednesday in the early evening to see what we can do...maybe head over to the graveyard.
is it bad that i love graveyards. i have this strange fasination with the dead, the undead and their histories. i think that by going to a graveyard, the spirits of those who lie there will seep into you and teach you...somthing. i dont know what. but definatly somthing.
we ended up walking over to baker park and taking nighttime pics and just talking. i love walking around at night. it was really cool to see the cool shadowing i could get. recently, ive been playing around with the ideas of negative space and the contrast between light and dark so i was able to snap some pretty nice shots. we're gonna go back wednesday in the early evening to see what we can do...maybe head over to the graveyard.
is it bad that i love graveyards. i have this strange fasination with the dead, the undead and their histories. i think that by going to a graveyard, the spirits of those who lie there will seep into you and teach you...somthing. i dont know what. but definatly somthing.
hide and seek
so yeah...i'm not feeling the school thing today. i woke up all motivated but by the time my 9:30 class got out, i wasnt having it anymore. i came back to my room...put on ER and just vegged till noon. and now...i just feel drained. i was actually almost falling asleep in my terrorism class last hour. which is really weird. i'm usually really awake for both my polisci classes. i dont know. maybe i'm just having one of those days.
frank actually came to music today. i never really noticed his arrogance before today. he actually tried to play it off like he was the shit and nobody was really caring. which pissed him off...a lot. damn. he has a temper. and after class i was going to be all nice and at least say hi to him and he just stormed off. whatever. his loss.
actually...that kind of bothers me. i mean...i try to at least be friends with my exes after the fact. and even though frank is a lot of drama, i think we understand each other so we theoretically could be friends. but if he doesnt want to at least make an attempt then i'm not even going to bother.
changing gears, my father is apparantly going to be at the same sader as his sister. at least, for once, the attention wont be on me. no...thats a lie. it will be. but not for the right reasons. and you know whats fucked up? my cousin changed his major from premed to polisci and he is going to get all the attention for being a polisci major and be lauded for trying to make a difference by doing so and i...when i declared my first week of school as a polisci major and have been working in the business for...god knows how long...will be ignored. fuck them. i'm sorry if ive known what i'm going to do for the longest time and i know that i am very very very good at what i do but you wont awknowledge it. i'm sorry if i was with a top-tier campaign last cycle and overperformed but still ended up with a loss. i'm sorry if i got two democrats on westfield council in '05 in wards where we were not even supposed to get 50 votes. i'm sorry if i work with the underdogs and candidates i actually believe in. i'm sorry if i dont focus on the win but changing people's minds and leading the debate...if that just happens to result in a win then so be it. i'm sorry if i refuse to support hillary this early on...or any candidate for that matter...because i havent found one that i can vote for with a clean conscience.
but...i'm still going to go through the motions despite all of the b.s. they put me through. i'll show up...look somewhat respectable. sit down and read from a book that i dont even believe in. answer questions about how i'm doing but always tell them what i want to hear. ill leave and let them think what they want.
i think they'd flip a shit if i told them what i really do on weekends or how i am so unhappy with everything or how as soon as i find like i'm somewhat controlling my own life, i lose it.
whatever. they're family. no law says you have to like them.
frank actually came to music today. i never really noticed his arrogance before today. he actually tried to play it off like he was the shit and nobody was really caring. which pissed him off...a lot. damn. he has a temper. and after class i was going to be all nice and at least say hi to him and he just stormed off. whatever. his loss.
actually...that kind of bothers me. i mean...i try to at least be friends with my exes after the fact. and even though frank is a lot of drama, i think we understand each other so we theoretically could be friends. but if he doesnt want to at least make an attempt then i'm not even going to bother.
changing gears, my father is apparantly going to be at the same sader as his sister. at least, for once, the attention wont be on me. no...thats a lie. it will be. but not for the right reasons. and you know whats fucked up? my cousin changed his major from premed to polisci and he is going to get all the attention for being a polisci major and be lauded for trying to make a difference by doing so and i...when i declared my first week of school as a polisci major and have been working in the business for...god knows how long...will be ignored. fuck them. i'm sorry if ive known what i'm going to do for the longest time and i know that i am very very very good at what i do but you wont awknowledge it. i'm sorry if i was with a top-tier campaign last cycle and overperformed but still ended up with a loss. i'm sorry if i got two democrats on westfield council in '05 in wards where we were not even supposed to get 50 votes. i'm sorry if i work with the underdogs and candidates i actually believe in. i'm sorry if i dont focus on the win but changing people's minds and leading the debate...if that just happens to result in a win then so be it. i'm sorry if i refuse to support hillary this early on...or any candidate for that matter...because i havent found one that i can vote for with a clean conscience.
but...i'm still going to go through the motions despite all of the b.s. they put me through. i'll show up...look somewhat respectable. sit down and read from a book that i dont even believe in. answer questions about how i'm doing but always tell them what i want to hear. ill leave and let them think what they want.
i think they'd flip a shit if i told them what i really do on weekends or how i am so unhappy with everything or how as soon as i find like i'm somewhat controlling my own life, i lose it.
whatever. they're family. no law says you have to like them.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
i'm not gonna beg
today was a good day. the first one i've had in a while. hopefully there will be more to come. i know i went on about the fantastic weather earlier but wow...i think it got nicer throughout the day.
after this concert i had to go to for music class, i went out onto the quad with some homework and a blanket and studied with kins, ray and madison. it was really nice...just being outside, relaxing, while we tried to get our work done for the upcoming week. i think that's how sundays at college should be spent. everyone should be outside...some guys playing soccer, then lacross, then catch (and trying to show off for the girls), small clusters of students desperate for a change of scenery while they try to comprehend their academics.
after dinner, anora and i ended up sitting out on the balcony with our books and took in the dusk air. if i didnt have so much reading to do i would have grabbed my camera. the light was so perfect. blasted schoolwork.
but at least i finished my lit outline. and even emailed it in to my prof for feedback. its scary. i'm becoming a good student. i'm really proud of myself. i said i was going to have an outline in to her by midnight and i beat my deadline by like 3 hours. and...not like i'm desperate for good vibes or anything...but from what i can tell from her email, i didnt fuck up too badly. i really want an A on this paper...if only to prove that i can hold my own in a class full of upperclass english majors as a freshman polisci major with a strange affinity for literature.
i even passed on a party tonight so i could do homework & read & get ready for the upcoming week... plus i have religion at 930 tomorrow am. i need to start doing well in that class. i know its going to be really really hard to get above at C at this point but i'm going to aim for at least a B and we'll see what happens. and no...i havent missed the irony of me failing a religion class. i know. god hates me. but i can deal with that. i dont like him that much either.
not even god...but a lot of people hate me. i think i'm just one of those people that nobody really likes. they tolerate me because it'd be impolite not to but i'm so fucked up that it's hard to be friends with me. too bad. i'm not changing.
i can deal with people not liking me. ive tried for way too long to get everyone to like me and i was so unhappy that i didnt even like myself. so we're not doing that again. i figure, screw them if they dont like me. ive done pretty well for myself being a loner and if i'm not meant to have friends than i'm not.
plus...the only one you can ever really trust is yourself.
after this concert i had to go to for music class, i went out onto the quad with some homework and a blanket and studied with kins, ray and madison. it was really nice...just being outside, relaxing, while we tried to get our work done for the upcoming week. i think that's how sundays at college should be spent. everyone should be outside...some guys playing soccer, then lacross, then catch (and trying to show off for the girls), small clusters of students desperate for a change of scenery while they try to comprehend their academics.
after dinner, anora and i ended up sitting out on the balcony with our books and took in the dusk air. if i didnt have so much reading to do i would have grabbed my camera. the light was so perfect. blasted schoolwork.
but at least i finished my lit outline. and even emailed it in to my prof for feedback. its scary. i'm becoming a good student. i'm really proud of myself. i said i was going to have an outline in to her by midnight and i beat my deadline by like 3 hours. and...not like i'm desperate for good vibes or anything...but from what i can tell from her email, i didnt fuck up too badly. i really want an A on this paper...if only to prove that i can hold my own in a class full of upperclass english majors as a freshman polisci major with a strange affinity for literature.
i even passed on a party tonight so i could do homework & read & get ready for the upcoming week... plus i have religion at 930 tomorrow am. i need to start doing well in that class. i know its going to be really really hard to get above at C at this point but i'm going to aim for at least a B and we'll see what happens. and no...i havent missed the irony of me failing a religion class. i know. god hates me. but i can deal with that. i dont like him that much either.
not even god...but a lot of people hate me. i think i'm just one of those people that nobody really likes. they tolerate me because it'd be impolite not to but i'm so fucked up that it's hard to be friends with me. too bad. i'm not changing.
i can deal with people not liking me. ive tried for way too long to get everyone to like me and i was so unhappy that i didnt even like myself. so we're not doing that again. i figure, screw them if they dont like me. ive done pretty well for myself being a loner and if i'm not meant to have friends than i'm not.
plus...the only one you can ever really trust is yourself.
bring on the flood
its beautiful outside. i'll be the first to admit that i love grey, rainy days but there's just somthing cool about waking up on a sunday morning with the light breeze from an open window and the bright chatter of spring birds gently rousing you from your slumber at your lesure, as opposed to a blaring alarm at 4:30am, screaming at your head to wake up...abruptly ending your REM cycle.
last night was a good night. very...relaxing. i finished the notecards for my examples from thoreau for my paper. so now i only need six more from stowe. easy stuff.
apparantly though...my mother had a shitty night. my brother and two of his friends, in their infanite 15-year-old wisdom, snuck out of the house to go smoke at like 3am. and where do they choose to smoke...not the backyard (which would make the most sence...we have a trampolene and a swingset and oh yeah...fully fenced in yard so nobody could catch them!) but the park. this particular park, unknown to the boys, is where the cops hang out at 2-3am to catch little buggers like them smoking. so, from what my father told me, the cops arrested them for posession, disorderly conduct and just being shitheads. leaving my mother to get a phone call at 330am to pick up my brother from the police station.
good job kiddo.
let me tell you why this is bad:
1- he is a freshman in high school. his grades suck to the point where the child-study team has to evaluate him to see if he has a learning disability or somthing.
2- both my mother and my father are lawyers. and i'm in politics. to the point where if his name got out (which it shouldnt cuz he's a minor, but people talk) it could be very very very bad for any of us.
3- my dad had/has issues with addiction. serious ones. to the point where he went to rehab a few times and has to still be medicated to make sure he doesnt slip up. i know people say it's impossible to get addicted to pot but i mean...maybe he's addicted to the way it makes him feel and not chemically addicted. and pot now...blow later.
4- my stepmom has never liked my brother. this just gives her more ammunition against having him stay up with dad, her son and herself.
5- passover is next week and my family talks a bunch of shit. we're the traditional jewish yentas (gossipers). as much as my brother and i dont get along, i just dont want him to have to deal with the awkward questions & stares i got when i was doing the "fuck you, i hate everyone" thing.
6- even though it wasnt my fault at all...i know i am going to get blamed for this by my mother. or if not this...my mother will tear me apart for the tinyest things and just account my brother getting arrested to "normal teenage rebellionness" and reward him for...absolutly nothing.
7. my brother got busted for shoplifting/petty theft last spring. i dont know if he was ever charged with anything for it but it could make his punishment harsher.
yeah...my family is fucked up. i'm not going to deny doing the exact same thing when i was his age (actually...probably younger) but at least i never got caught. not by the cops or my parents or anyone. cuz i'm just amazing like that. and he's been caught sooo many times by my mother and she never did anything about it.
whoops. good call mother.
last night was a good night. very...relaxing. i finished the notecards for my examples from thoreau for my paper. so now i only need six more from stowe. easy stuff.
apparantly though...my mother had a shitty night. my brother and two of his friends, in their infanite 15-year-old wisdom, snuck out of the house to go smoke at like 3am. and where do they choose to smoke...not the backyard (which would make the most sence...we have a trampolene and a swingset and oh yeah...fully fenced in yard so nobody could catch them!) but the park. this particular park, unknown to the boys, is where the cops hang out at 2-3am to catch little buggers like them smoking. so, from what my father told me, the cops arrested them for posession, disorderly conduct and just being shitheads. leaving my mother to get a phone call at 330am to pick up my brother from the police station.
good job kiddo.
let me tell you why this is bad:
1- he is a freshman in high school. his grades suck to the point where the child-study team has to evaluate him to see if he has a learning disability or somthing.
2- both my mother and my father are lawyers. and i'm in politics. to the point where if his name got out (which it shouldnt cuz he's a minor, but people talk) it could be very very very bad for any of us.
3- my dad had/has issues with addiction. serious ones. to the point where he went to rehab a few times and has to still be medicated to make sure he doesnt slip up. i know people say it's impossible to get addicted to pot but i mean...maybe he's addicted to the way it makes him feel and not chemically addicted. and pot now...blow later.
4- my stepmom has never liked my brother. this just gives her more ammunition against having him stay up with dad, her son and herself.
5- passover is next week and my family talks a bunch of shit. we're the traditional jewish yentas (gossipers). as much as my brother and i dont get along, i just dont want him to have to deal with the awkward questions & stares i got when i was doing the "fuck you, i hate everyone" thing.
6- even though it wasnt my fault at all...i know i am going to get blamed for this by my mother. or if not this...my mother will tear me apart for the tinyest things and just account my brother getting arrested to "normal teenage rebellionness" and reward him for...absolutly nothing.
7. my brother got busted for shoplifting/petty theft last spring. i dont know if he was ever charged with anything for it but it could make his punishment harsher.
yeah...my family is fucked up. i'm not going to deny doing the exact same thing when i was his age (actually...probably younger) but at least i never got caught. not by the cops or my parents or anyone. cuz i'm just amazing like that. and he's been caught sooo many times by my mother and she never did anything about it.
whoops. good call mother.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
cry freedom
i just realized i'm going home for passover in one week. for one who has not had the (mis)fourtione of sitting through one of our saders...concider yourself lucky.
it is going to be a shitshow. but thank god passover comes with wine. lots of it. good wine...not that i'm hating my two-buck-chuck from trader joe's. that stuff is amazing on a college budget. but it's always nice not to have to pay for really nice, expensive wine.
actually...come to think of it...i havent had a good bottle of wine since florida.
even though i'm pretty much the worst jew in the world, passover is one of those holidays i dont think i could not awknowledge. i know i'm about to dork-ify myself more than i ever have but i really like the story...of how moses brought the people out of slavery in egypt to israel. and my family has all of these little traditions...when we get to the recitation of the plagues in the hagadah and hit the one about the frogs we all sing the "frogs here, frogs there, frogs we're jumping everywhere" song that we learned in preschool...and when we get to the dayanu (salvation) song, my cousins and i will mess with the beat & harmony to try to mess everyone up...
this year, the table dynamics are probably going to be a little weird. over the summer, my dad got into a really big fight with his sister and they havent spoken since. i dont know if his sister's family is coming to the saders...they usually come to one. if they do...it'll be interesting to see if phil & kim (a) show up (b) stay (c) ignore me. yeah...i dont know what the hell i did but i'm the only one they dont talk to. i guess i'm too...i dont know...whatever.
and also...i may have drunkdialed my cousin a couple times this year. but i dont think she realized my drunkness. except i have no recolection of anything said in the aformentioned exchanges.
i think people should just take my phone away from me when i'm drunk. seriously. nothing good comes of me having it. and it's not like i'm driving shitfaced.
i actually am really opposed to people who drive drunk. it's a stupid, unnessasary risk. call a freaking cab or walk or sober up.
i wonder how my family is going to deal with me being blonde...and somewhat intelligent. last passover i was a redhead with a blackeye from a rugby game and exahusted from having a tourny earlier in the day. now i'm blonde, no blackeyes as of yet and a billion times more highstrung. but i somewhat have my act together...i'm doing the college thing, studying my butt off, have my summer all planned out. if you didnt know me, i'd seem to be almost well-adjusted.
ha! me...well adjusted. thats the biggest load of crap ever.
it is going to be a shitshow. but thank god passover comes with wine. lots of it. good wine...not that i'm hating my two-buck-chuck from trader joe's. that stuff is amazing on a college budget. but it's always nice not to have to pay for really nice, expensive wine.
actually...come to think of it...i havent had a good bottle of wine since florida.
even though i'm pretty much the worst jew in the world, passover is one of those holidays i dont think i could not awknowledge. i know i'm about to dork-ify myself more than i ever have but i really like the story...of how moses brought the people out of slavery in egypt to israel. and my family has all of these little traditions...when we get to the recitation of the plagues in the hagadah and hit the one about the frogs we all sing the "frogs here, frogs there, frogs we're jumping everywhere" song that we learned in preschool...and when we get to the dayanu (salvation) song, my cousins and i will mess with the beat & harmony to try to mess everyone up...
this year, the table dynamics are probably going to be a little weird. over the summer, my dad got into a really big fight with his sister and they havent spoken since. i dont know if his sister's family is coming to the saders...they usually come to one. if they do...it'll be interesting to see if phil & kim (a) show up (b) stay (c) ignore me. yeah...i dont know what the hell i did but i'm the only one they dont talk to. i guess i'm too...i dont know...whatever.
and also...i may have drunkdialed my cousin a couple times this year. but i dont think she realized my drunkness. except i have no recolection of anything said in the aformentioned exchanges.
i think people should just take my phone away from me when i'm drunk. seriously. nothing good comes of me having it. and it's not like i'm driving shitfaced.
i actually am really opposed to people who drive drunk. it's a stupid, unnessasary risk. call a freaking cab or walk or sober up.
i wonder how my family is going to deal with me being blonde...and somewhat intelligent. last passover i was a redhead with a blackeye from a rugby game and exahusted from having a tourny earlier in the day. now i'm blonde, no blackeyes as of yet and a billion times more highstrung. but i somewhat have my act together...i'm doing the college thing, studying my butt off, have my summer all planned out. if you didnt know me, i'd seem to be almost well-adjusted.
ha! me...well adjusted. thats the biggest load of crap ever.
jewel to sparkle
i think i've finally come to the realization that devoting my (present) life to academia is going to have/is having some major effects on my psyche.
i made a commitment earlier this year not to b.s. my work and so far i havent. this not only shows that i'm becoming more mature but also is giving me some much needed structure. i no longer can go out every single night and have that not mess up my schoolwork. no, most nights now i can be found in my room, surrounded by books, notebooks and flashcards. the funny thing is...is that i'm more content devoting more time to schoolwork than i was when i was partying nonstop.
and an added befefit of not going out as much is that now i actually have some money in my bank account. which is really important. i dont like having to ask for money from my family...i dont like having the idea that i need their help...and now i dont need it. i'm actually going to be able to make a payment on my credit card! and not the minimum one! and hopefully...soon i'll be able to make a downpayment on a new car. i'd really like to have my car situation taken care of by the end of april. i'm thinking either the prius or a civic hybrid. but also hyundai has a new thing on the sonata where it is $999 down and $190/month. that might be the way to go. i dont know yet.
i bought some new clothes yesterday after talking with frank. i think i needed to buy somthing new...somthing that made me feel pretty cuz god knows i dont. but, i got these really cute taupe bermudas, a tan 3/4 sleve henly with hearts all over it =) , some black flipflops and a new pair of sunglasses. just a cute outfit for me to relax in. and you can never have too many pairs of flipflops or sunglasses. never.
its been kind of grey the past few days. nice, but grey and rainy. i like it. it's like the world is just relaxing and enjoying the beauty of rain. i know it's kind of dumb (and by kind of, i mean extremly) but there's this scene in the wynona ryder movie version of "little women"...right when beth is dying and jo walks over to the window and sees the rain. its very cheesy but the rain in that scene was very peaceful, almost as a foil of beth's drift into death.
yes...i used foil in a sentence to describe contemporarys. it's ok. i'm allowed to. cuz i'm a dork like that.
for the paper i'm working on now...the lit one...im using flashcards to organize my thoughts & quotes. is it bad that i color code them...like pink for each of the rhetorical devices, orange for the example quote and yellow for the explainition of the quote with green for my intro & conclusion paragraphs. yes. i am tad bit obsessive when it comes to papers. and the really pathetic thing abuot this one is that it only has to be 3-5 pages. so i figure...half to 3/4 page each for the intro & conclusion, then a page for each of the cannons, with an explanition of how to use it and a quote from each text. that should put me somewhere around 5 i think. i mean...i dont think my prof will kill me if i go over by like a paragraph or whatever but i'd like to keep it within the guidelines. plus...i think itll help keep my paper more structured.
structure and i dont get on that well. in more ways than one...
i made a commitment earlier this year not to b.s. my work and so far i havent. this not only shows that i'm becoming more mature but also is giving me some much needed structure. i no longer can go out every single night and have that not mess up my schoolwork. no, most nights now i can be found in my room, surrounded by books, notebooks and flashcards. the funny thing is...is that i'm more content devoting more time to schoolwork than i was when i was partying nonstop.
and an added befefit of not going out as much is that now i actually have some money in my bank account. which is really important. i dont like having to ask for money from my family...i dont like having the idea that i need their help...and now i dont need it. i'm actually going to be able to make a payment on my credit card! and not the minimum one! and hopefully...soon i'll be able to make a downpayment on a new car. i'd really like to have my car situation taken care of by the end of april. i'm thinking either the prius or a civic hybrid. but also hyundai has a new thing on the sonata where it is $999 down and $190/month. that might be the way to go. i dont know yet.
i bought some new clothes yesterday after talking with frank. i think i needed to buy somthing new...somthing that made me feel pretty cuz god knows i dont. but, i got these really cute taupe bermudas, a tan 3/4 sleve henly with hearts all over it =) , some black flipflops and a new pair of sunglasses. just a cute outfit for me to relax in. and you can never have too many pairs of flipflops or sunglasses. never.
its been kind of grey the past few days. nice, but grey and rainy. i like it. it's like the world is just relaxing and enjoying the beauty of rain. i know it's kind of dumb (and by kind of, i mean extremly) but there's this scene in the wynona ryder movie version of "little women"...right when beth is dying and jo walks over to the window and sees the rain. its very cheesy but the rain in that scene was very peaceful, almost as a foil of beth's drift into death.
yes...i used foil in a sentence to describe contemporarys. it's ok. i'm allowed to. cuz i'm a dork like that.
for the paper i'm working on now...the lit one...im using flashcards to organize my thoughts & quotes. is it bad that i color code them...like pink for each of the rhetorical devices, orange for the example quote and yellow for the explainition of the quote with green for my intro & conclusion paragraphs. yes. i am tad bit obsessive when it comes to papers. and the really pathetic thing abuot this one is that it only has to be 3-5 pages. so i figure...half to 3/4 page each for the intro & conclusion, then a page for each of the cannons, with an explanition of how to use it and a quote from each text. that should put me somewhere around 5 i think. i mean...i dont think my prof will kill me if i go over by like a paragraph or whatever but i'd like to keep it within the guidelines. plus...i think itll help keep my paper more structured.
structure and i dont get on that well. in more ways than one...
Friday, March 23, 2007
portions for foxes
so frank and i are over for real this time. i did a lot of thinking and realized that there were too many things making me not want to be with him. i actually made a list:
1- too much drama. guys in their early 20s are still mentally 17 and there is a reason i never hung out at high school.
2- he was disrespectful. that, within itself, is a deal breaker.
3- it was too much work. when you just start dating someone...it's supposed to be fun. it was for a couple of days but then we hit a plateau that we couldnt come out of. it just wasnt fun anymore.
4- time. i (a) had no time for him and visa versa. and (b) i'm off to vermont in 50 days. and when i'm there i need to be focused on work and winning and learning how to finally win in the 7th.
and when it came down to it....i just dont want to have to be worrying about somebody else. i'm still trying to figure out how to cope with my own issues and i know its selfish but i need to worry about myself right now. i'm one sick cookie.
emotionally...not physically. no need to worry about my physical health yet. but...i know it's going to go downhill. alzhimers and parkinsons are both dominant on either side of my gene pool. so i'm going to die, flailing about- incapacistated by tremors-- but itll be ok cuz i wont have any recolection of it cuz i will have checked my mind at the door.
how shitty would that be...or is going to be. i mean. not even the fact that i know how i am going to die but how i know there is no way to stop it and my spouse (if i ever find someone who can deal with being with me) will be left hanging.
but...i should be greatful. i should be doing somthing productive with the time i have here. how messed up is it that purely because of where i was born, my status in the global community is infanitly higher than someone from a peripheral country. i have so many opporunitites but ...i dont take them. whereas you have these genniuses from a 50 person village from the middle of africa who not only take every opporunity put in front of them but search out new ones...new challenges.
and i always say that i'll do somthing tomorow. i have the worst procrastination problem ever. i need to start working on that. actually...here's a list of what i need to get done by sunday night:
1- reorganize my room. i want to put both of my beds together so it's one giant king-sized bed and i have these amazing egyptian cotton sheets that i brought back from spring break. i need to re-hang my christmas lights...they're looking a little droopy.
2- figure out what clothes can be sent back to jersey with me during passover. i dont need winter clothes down here when im sitting in my room in tanktops and skirts.
3- social commentary rhetorical analysis paper outline. the paper is due on thursday and i figure if i email over the outline & get some feedback...it wont suck as much as if i did it cold.
4- finish reading for terrorism & justice. the book we're working on right now is going to be the death of me.
5- talk to my dfa people and just make sure everything is legit for may. fuck yes...i get to spend my summer in burlington and work with some of the greatest people in the world and go hiking and clifjumping and be all nature on weekends and hang out with ed and regin and their two kiddies who...even though they arent real family...they are as close as it...but dont suck.
yeah. i think i'm just freaking out...as i tend to do periodocally. at least my freakouts have gotten to be so much more healthy. before...i could be found with a bottle of robo or somthing disgusting like that and tripping out in my room but now i just breathe.
breathing is underrated. you should try it sometimes.
1- too much drama. guys in their early 20s are still mentally 17 and there is a reason i never hung out at high school.
2- he was disrespectful. that, within itself, is a deal breaker.
3- it was too much work. when you just start dating someone...it's supposed to be fun. it was for a couple of days but then we hit a plateau that we couldnt come out of. it just wasnt fun anymore.
4- time. i (a) had no time for him and visa versa. and (b) i'm off to vermont in 50 days. and when i'm there i need to be focused on work and winning and learning how to finally win in the 7th.
and when it came down to it....i just dont want to have to be worrying about somebody else. i'm still trying to figure out how to cope with my own issues and i know its selfish but i need to worry about myself right now. i'm one sick cookie.
emotionally...not physically. no need to worry about my physical health yet. but...i know it's going to go downhill. alzhimers and parkinsons are both dominant on either side of my gene pool. so i'm going to die, flailing about- incapacistated by tremors-- but itll be ok cuz i wont have any recolection of it cuz i will have checked my mind at the door.
how shitty would that be...or is going to be. i mean. not even the fact that i know how i am going to die but how i know there is no way to stop it and my spouse (if i ever find someone who can deal with being with me) will be left hanging.
but...i should be greatful. i should be doing somthing productive with the time i have here. how messed up is it that purely because of where i was born, my status in the global community is infanitly higher than someone from a peripheral country. i have so many opporunitites but ...i dont take them. whereas you have these genniuses from a 50 person village from the middle of africa who not only take every opporunity put in front of them but search out new ones...new challenges.
and i always say that i'll do somthing tomorow. i have the worst procrastination problem ever. i need to start working on that. actually...here's a list of what i need to get done by sunday night:
1- reorganize my room. i want to put both of my beds together so it's one giant king-sized bed and i have these amazing egyptian cotton sheets that i brought back from spring break. i need to re-hang my christmas lights...they're looking a little droopy.
2- figure out what clothes can be sent back to jersey with me during passover. i dont need winter clothes down here when im sitting in my room in tanktops and skirts.
3- social commentary rhetorical analysis paper outline. the paper is due on thursday and i figure if i email over the outline & get some feedback...it wont suck as much as if i did it cold.
4- finish reading for terrorism & justice. the book we're working on right now is going to be the death of me.
5- talk to my dfa people and just make sure everything is legit for may. fuck yes...i get to spend my summer in burlington and work with some of the greatest people in the world and go hiking and clifjumping and be all nature on weekends and hang out with ed and regin and their two kiddies who...even though they arent real family...they are as close as it...but dont suck.
yeah. i think i'm just freaking out...as i tend to do periodocally. at least my freakouts have gotten to be so much more healthy. before...i could be found with a bottle of robo or somthing disgusting like that and tripping out in my room but now i just breathe.
breathing is underrated. you should try it sometimes.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
sex and candy
so whatever. i'm feeling pretty good right now. frank and i had a fight earlier. a bad one. we almost break up. actually we did for a while.
and this was right before my literature class. which...p. fucking s. i love my midterm paper. its all structured and organized and my intro is amazing. and my conclusion. i have to say...this is the one paper that i'm actually proud of this year. it's actually really interesting to see how my academic writing style has evolved so much this year...gotten so much more on point. i'm a fan. but i totally credit it to my professers. i would definatly not be the somewhat compitant writer i am today without them making me cry (literally) over the majority of my papers haha. but anyways. my prof was high as shit in class today. kind of amusing. but i talked with her after...just the migrane meds. highness will tend to happen when taking those. but i told her she's not allowed to die...cuz ive finally found a lit prof that doesnt make me want to kill myself haha.
but after class frank and i got together. we talked it out and we are so much better now. we're still together. thank god. because i'm shitty at the relationship thing. but im going to try my hardest to make him happy.i want this one to work. no...that's a lie.
i just want to prove that i'm not too messed up to be in a relationship. but when it comes down to it. i dont know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. so how do i really know what i'm supposed to do. we're all human. we're creatures of habit. and as freaking cliche as it is...i cant help but wonder if when i was a kid, if i had a positive relationship model during my childhood, if i would have any idea as to how to be in a healthy relationship now.
but...i really do like him. he gets me.
i talked to one of my exes last night. alex. from home. or not home....whatever we're calling westfield nowadays. anyways...i digress...apparantly i'm too messed up for anyone to understand.
which i get. i'm so freaking nurotic sometimes its amazing that i havent been permintaly committed a la angelina jolie's character in girl, interrupted yet.
god. angelina jolie. she is so perfect. she's so tiny and everybody knows she's the messed up one but she embrases it whereas i just try to run from it.
i think i need to stop trying to be the normal chic. i'm never going to be that way.
changing gears completly-- i've been feeling really musical the past few weeks. moreso then normal. like to the point where i wrote some stuff. none of it is that good but i laid down some of the tracks on garageband...all you mac users know what i'm talking about. it's a godsend. on it you can do everything...vocals, instrumental...everything. i love it.
and i've gotten really into imogen heap/frou frou. check out "hide and seek" by imogen heap and "let go" by frou frou. yeah i'm aware frou frou is her joint project and imogen is the vocalist in the "group". whatever. i like. it's really relaxed but also kind of funky.
in "let go" i love the chorus. it pretty much exemplifies my life.
So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right'
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go,
let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
i mean...how can you tel me that doesnt fit me perfectly.
which gets me into how much i'm feeling hawthorne now. really. he pretty much counters keats' whole "truth is beauty, beauty is truth" bullshit.
someone can be so beautiful and so so so messed up too. she can be...poisionous.
i'd think i'm that girl but im far from beautiful.
everything i touch turns to dust. i cant be normal or happy or any of the stuff that i'm supposed to be. i just cant be.
and i'm running out of my poison. which makes me really really sad.
i am nothing without my poison...its who defines me. which is pathetic enough within itself.
and this was right before my literature class. which...p. fucking s. i love my midterm paper. its all structured and organized and my intro is amazing. and my conclusion. i have to say...this is the one paper that i'm actually proud of this year. it's actually really interesting to see how my academic writing style has evolved so much this year...gotten so much more on point. i'm a fan. but i totally credit it to my professers. i would definatly not be the somewhat compitant writer i am today without them making me cry (literally) over the majority of my papers haha. but anyways. my prof was high as shit in class today. kind of amusing. but i talked with her after...just the migrane meds. highness will tend to happen when taking those. but i told her she's not allowed to die...cuz ive finally found a lit prof that doesnt make me want to kill myself haha.
but after class frank and i got together. we talked it out and we are so much better now. we're still together. thank god. because i'm shitty at the relationship thing. but im going to try my hardest to make him happy.i want this one to work. no...that's a lie.
i just want to prove that i'm not too messed up to be in a relationship. but when it comes down to it. i dont know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. so how do i really know what i'm supposed to do. we're all human. we're creatures of habit. and as freaking cliche as it is...i cant help but wonder if when i was a kid, if i had a positive relationship model during my childhood, if i would have any idea as to how to be in a healthy relationship now.
but...i really do like him. he gets me.
i talked to one of my exes last night. alex. from home. or not home....whatever we're calling westfield nowadays. anyways...i digress...apparantly i'm too messed up for anyone to understand.
which i get. i'm so freaking nurotic sometimes its amazing that i havent been permintaly committed a la angelina jolie's character in girl, interrupted yet.
god. angelina jolie. she is so perfect. she's so tiny and everybody knows she's the messed up one but she embrases it whereas i just try to run from it.
i think i need to stop trying to be the normal chic. i'm never going to be that way.
changing gears completly-- i've been feeling really musical the past few weeks. moreso then normal. like to the point where i wrote some stuff. none of it is that good but i laid down some of the tracks on garageband...all you mac users know what i'm talking about. it's a godsend. on it you can do everything...vocals, instrumental...everything. i love it.
and i've gotten really into imogen heap/frou frou. check out "hide and seek" by imogen heap and "let go" by frou frou. yeah i'm aware frou frou is her joint project and imogen is the vocalist in the "group". whatever. i like. it's really relaxed but also kind of funky.
in "let go" i love the chorus. it pretty much exemplifies my life.
So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right'
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go,
let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
i mean...how can you tel me that doesnt fit me perfectly.
which gets me into how much i'm feeling hawthorne now. really. he pretty much counters keats' whole "truth is beauty, beauty is truth" bullshit.
someone can be so beautiful and so so so messed up too. she can be...poisionous.
i'd think i'm that girl but im far from beautiful.
everything i touch turns to dust. i cant be normal or happy or any of the stuff that i'm supposed to be. i just cant be.
and i'm running out of my poison. which makes me really really sad.
i am nothing without my poison...its who defines me. which is pathetic enough within itself.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
closing in
whatever. i dont care anymore. i'm completly over being here and i dont want to have to deal with all ofthe drama. i feel like i have to play "parent" to half the kids here and its horrible. i am not that old yet and just because i dont act like a dumbass all of the time does not mean i'm willing to take care of people.
i came here so i could escape having to be the caregiver. i can take care of myself but that under no circomstances means that i will care for others. primary example-- i hate babies. they cry, bitch, shit their pants and cant take care of themselves. which is why i will never have children. just because i hate them when their young, does not mean that i dont hate them now.
sorry...that just needed to come out.
today was pretty chill. after class, jaim and i chilled for the first time in a while. it's really amusing how alike we are. i have this theory that subconciously, people are going to be friends with the ones that make them look good. and by good in this case, i mean NOT the crazy, promiscuous, party girl. i love jaim to death though. she's another one...we get eachother. same shitty family life, same horses, same issues. except the manifestations of how we are coping with them now are very very very diferent.
kins and i got a decent room for next year. its 113 in memorial...the big room on the balcony. i guess it doesnt matter that much that we're not on 2nd or 4th because we can always party up there then come back down to our nice, quiet floor with a fantastically clean bathroom. which is important. we dont like dirty. and since its on the balcony....
i'm working on this paper right now. i usually hate my academic writing but i think i might actually like how this one is turning out so far. i figure, i'm trying to make a topic that is kind of dry as interesting as i can and if that means taking some stylistic risks, so be it.
roughly 56 days till i'm in vermont...i'm petrified but so excited. dfa is an amazing organization and i honistly credit them for the return of the house & senate to democratic hands last cycle. their focus on the grassroots aspects of issue advancement is revolutionary and means a lot more democrats are going to be elected...all the way down the ticket.
and that, ladies and gentlemen is how we win elections.
i came here so i could escape having to be the caregiver. i can take care of myself but that under no circomstances means that i will care for others. primary example-- i hate babies. they cry, bitch, shit their pants and cant take care of themselves. which is why i will never have children. just because i hate them when their young, does not mean that i dont hate them now.
sorry...that just needed to come out.
today was pretty chill. after class, jaim and i chilled for the first time in a while. it's really amusing how alike we are. i have this theory that subconciously, people are going to be friends with the ones that make them look good. and by good in this case, i mean NOT the crazy, promiscuous, party girl. i love jaim to death though. she's another one...we get eachother. same shitty family life, same horses, same issues. except the manifestations of how we are coping with them now are very very very diferent.
kins and i got a decent room for next year. its 113 in memorial...the big room on the balcony. i guess it doesnt matter that much that we're not on 2nd or 4th because we can always party up there then come back down to our nice, quiet floor with a fantastically clean bathroom. which is important. we dont like dirty. and since its on the balcony....
i'm working on this paper right now. i usually hate my academic writing but i think i might actually like how this one is turning out so far. i figure, i'm trying to make a topic that is kind of dry as interesting as i can and if that means taking some stylistic risks, so be it.
roughly 56 days till i'm in vermont...i'm petrified but so excited. dfa is an amazing organization and i honistly credit them for the return of the house & senate to democratic hands last cycle. their focus on the grassroots aspects of issue advancement is revolutionary and means a lot more democrats are going to be elected...all the way down the ticket.
and that, ladies and gentlemen is how we win elections.
where does the good go
in my room i have these fantastic purple christmas lights. i have them around the room in trim-like fashion and i have to say...they are the best $2 investment i have ever made.
anyways..i wanted to see if you can capture the movement of light on a camera. apparantly...you can and i think it looks pretty freaking sweet.
you even kind of can see the corner and celing of my room from the shadowing of the shot and the i guess...bending of the stream of light from one part to the other.
my housing situation for next year is already turning into the proverbial shitshow i knw it would. they changed the policy for underclassmen singles and now you need more than a drs note...you have to go in front of a panel and explain why you need one. and after you bear your soul and most likley have them rethink why the hell they ever admitted you to school, you're still not guaranteed a single. i dont have the time or energy to deal with that crap. and i'm also really not fond of everyone knowing why i am so fucked up.
yeah...ive got the damaged goods spiel down to a science.
so kins and i are gonna room. but the 4th floor doubles we wanted are all filled. which means we're gonna try for a 2nd floor corner in memorial now or go for a 4th floor in smith. whatever. i really dont care. i mean if i have to have a roomate, i'd much rather live with someone who at least partially understands and can sympathse with where i am coming from and she's really chill and we've never really had any issuesl and i know i can live with her without wanting to kill her. which is always a good thing.
i'm really upset over my exam grades so far. not so much my terrorism one but i got a c in internaitonal relations and a f in religion. becuase i'm a dumbass. i need to make sure i do better so i can keep my scholarhsip money. i mean...even if i lost my scholarhsips i'd be able to pay for school and all but hell, if they want to give me money...why the fuck not take it.
is it bad that i cant define happy anymore? i've misplaced my "happy". i dont know what it is supposed to feel like so idk... its making the relationship thing really hard. at least my guy is undertanding of the fact that i am always going to be...sad.
cept always and forever are the biggest lies in the world. right below love.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
whatever gets you through today
so i went to health center earlier. apparantly, i'm the most healthy sick person they've ever seen. i'm not really sick but i'm making myself sick from stress. i need to stop stressing but i really cant. i have the lit midterm due thursday and then the 3-5pg paper due for lit on the 29th.
and i know i shouldnt be stressing about the lit stuff. i'm not that dumb. or not even that...i need to do well on my papers. i need to prove to myself that i'm not wasting my time here. i need to know that i've actually learned somthing these past two semesters and that i can do college-level lit papers and not suck at them. i need to know that i can go on to do graduate work and not be completly over my head.
tomorow is the first day of spring. that makes me happy. i want to go hiking or somthing this weekend or maybe go riding or whatever to commerate the occation. but since i dont have time, ill probably just end up getting free ritas (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and taking a blanket, my laptop and my copious amounts of homework out to the quad and find a nice tree to sit under and just enjoy the beautiful spring weather.
i know i go on and on about my lit class but whatever...it makes sence to me. if it came down to it...i'd become an english major. but i care too much about polisci and frankly, i've invested too much time and energy into politics to just walk away from it.
we just checked out rappaccini's daughter by hawthorne for lit. i like his idea that beatrice is so beautiful but posionous. i think...because it makes sence to me. i like to think of beauty not being the most asthetically pleasing but the most striking. and i do think beauty is extremly subjuctive and more of a corrosive force than a positive one. when i was the "pretty" girl i was only the pretty girl and i bought into it. i realized that i was only liked for being hot and i had the worst self-esteem issues ever and pretty much almost died to stay the "pretty" girl. its not worth it. and not even that...the beautiful ones are the ones that will break your heart.
but we are all going to die lonley.
c'est la fucking vie.
and i know i shouldnt be stressing about the lit stuff. i'm not that dumb. or not even that...i need to do well on my papers. i need to prove to myself that i'm not wasting my time here. i need to know that i've actually learned somthing these past two semesters and that i can do college-level lit papers and not suck at them. i need to know that i can go on to do graduate work and not be completly over my head.
tomorow is the first day of spring. that makes me happy. i want to go hiking or somthing this weekend or maybe go riding or whatever to commerate the occation. but since i dont have time, ill probably just end up getting free ritas (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and taking a blanket, my laptop and my copious amounts of homework out to the quad and find a nice tree to sit under and just enjoy the beautiful spring weather.
i know i go on and on about my lit class but whatever...it makes sence to me. if it came down to it...i'd become an english major. but i care too much about polisci and frankly, i've invested too much time and energy into politics to just walk away from it.
we just checked out rappaccini's daughter by hawthorne for lit. i like his idea that beatrice is so beautiful but posionous. i think...because it makes sence to me. i like to think of beauty not being the most asthetically pleasing but the most striking. and i do think beauty is extremly subjuctive and more of a corrosive force than a positive one. when i was the "pretty" girl i was only the pretty girl and i bought into it. i realized that i was only liked for being hot and i had the worst self-esteem issues ever and pretty much almost died to stay the "pretty" girl. its not worth it. and not even that...the beautiful ones are the ones that will break your heart.
but we are all going to die lonley.
c'est la fucking vie.
Monday, March 19, 2007
a wolf in sheep's clothing
horrible day. no. it wasnt. i just wasnt feeling it today. religion was a joke. as usual. cept i FAILED my midterm...42%...go me. i'm a dumbass. and it's too late to drop it without having it shown that i withdrew cuz of my failing grade. and my transcript is really sucky already. guess that's why i'm not transfering. cuz i'm just that stupid. i try and i try for that class and it just doesnt happen. i do all the reading, take notes, ask questions...and i still dont understand a word he says. that class is going to be the death of me.
my new copy of thoreau's "civil disobediance and other essays" came today! i'm so excited. i love thoreau... i mean i can understand why people dont like him, but since i'm the biggest literary and politics geek imaginable it makes sence that i'm completly addicted to him.
i met this girl earlier who really freaked me out. she graduated from reed two years ago with her b.a. in public policy and minors in PR and marketing and she STILL hasnt found a meaningful job. either she's incompitant or i'm fucked. i'd like to think its the latter but who really knows.
i got rejected from georgetown. that really bothers me. i mean i get into gw (but cant afford $50,000 a year) and american (but they wont take most of my credits) and stanford (but i dont want to not be in dc or the dc area) and freaking georgetown rejects me.
so now i'm just going to have to work doublely hard and get A's in everything and do more work with cda and get my polisci prof to awknoweledge the fact that i'm not that stupid and start a ONE and STAND on campus and have them be amazing and get more grant money just to proove to myself that i dont need a "name" school to get into grad school in dc and get a job with who i want on my terms.
yeah...i'm fucked.
my new copy of thoreau's "civil disobediance and other essays" came today! i'm so excited. i love thoreau... i mean i can understand why people dont like him, but since i'm the biggest literary and politics geek imaginable it makes sence that i'm completly addicted to him.
i met this girl earlier who really freaked me out. she graduated from reed two years ago with her b.a. in public policy and minors in PR and marketing and she STILL hasnt found a meaningful job. either she's incompitant or i'm fucked. i'd like to think its the latter but who really knows.
i got rejected from georgetown. that really bothers me. i mean i get into gw (but cant afford $50,000 a year) and american (but they wont take most of my credits) and stanford (but i dont want to not be in dc or the dc area) and freaking georgetown rejects me.
so now i'm just going to have to work doublely hard and get A's in everything and do more work with cda and get my polisci prof to awknoweledge the fact that i'm not that stupid and start a ONE and STAND on campus and have them be amazing and get more grant money just to proove to myself that i dont need a "name" school to get into grad school in dc and get a job with who i want on my terms.
yeah...i'm fucked.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
white light
so i'm back. whatever. i feel like death. which is really unfourtionate because i dont have time to get sick. i have my lit midterm due tuesday and my paper for lit due thursday. and cda thursday night. and passover really soon.
and it's like that i mind the stress. i have this theory that you have to hit a certain level of stress every day to stay healthy. on the train back to dc, this kid sat next to me. and by kid i mean she looked to be 16-17. she was going to visit georgetown ( the school, not the place ) for the first time. i guess she figured i was a student or somthing (what tipped her off...it couldnt have been the ginormous norton anthology, notebook & coupous amounts of pens and highlighters in front of me) and found it appropriate to bitch to me about how nervous she is about looking at schools. and like, how she might not, like get, like into like the same school as her like boyfriend who is like soooooooooo cute and suuuuuuuper sweet and like even like bought her like a teddy bear for like valentine's day. and when she asked what i was working on and told her i was doing a rhetorical analysis paper of social commentary lit she was like "oh...what's rhetoric?" i mean REALLY??? stupid people bother me. this kid is in for a rude awakening when she ends up at college.
but in a way, i envy her. she's the 5'5", blonde, skinny, fake skater/punk attired, perfect boyfriend-having high school kid i always wanted to be. whoops. sorry. no. i didnt want to be her. i tried to be her. then i realized...what's the point....i dont play the well-adjusted, happy bit that well. and i dont really want to be her. i guess i used to think it'd be fun to try out her life for a day...just to see what it's like to be the normal teenager.
normalcy is wayy too overrated. i'd rather be a freak, fuck you very much!
...or would i?
and it's like that i mind the stress. i have this theory that you have to hit a certain level of stress every day to stay healthy. on the train back to dc, this kid sat next to me. and by kid i mean she looked to be 16-17. she was going to visit georgetown ( the school, not the place ) for the first time. i guess she figured i was a student or somthing (what tipped her off...it couldnt have been the ginormous norton anthology, notebook & coupous amounts of pens and highlighters in front of me) and found it appropriate to bitch to me about how nervous she is about looking at schools. and like, how she might not, like get, like into like the same school as her like boyfriend who is like soooooooooo cute and suuuuuuuper sweet and like even like bought her like a teddy bear for like valentine's day. and when she asked what i was working on and told her i was doing a rhetorical analysis paper of social commentary lit she was like "oh...what's rhetoric?" i mean REALLY??? stupid people bother me. this kid is in for a rude awakening when she ends up at college.
but in a way, i envy her. she's the 5'5", blonde, skinny, fake skater/punk attired, perfect boyfriend-having high school kid i always wanted to be. whoops. sorry. no. i didnt want to be her. i tried to be her. then i realized...what's the point....i dont play the well-adjusted, happy bit that well. and i dont really want to be her. i guess i used to think it'd be fun to try out her life for a day...just to see what it's like to be the normal teenager.
normalcy is wayy too overrated. i'd rather be a freak, fuck you very much!
...or would i?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
fuck was i
yeah i'm back. not feeling it. i really cant stand being here. as soon as i saw his face at the airport, i could feel a panic attack of passive proportions begining to start. its nine hours later and that feeling hasnt left yet. and it wont leave untill i'm on the train back to dc tomorrow.
leaving florida this morning was pathetic. nanny was barely lucid. i think i could even see the deteriation of her mind progress in the short week i was down there. or maybe i'm just being a hypocondriac again. but yeah, she was confused as hell and that made leaving feel any worse. so what if her aid was there...i was getting in a cab and flying back here. at least here i feel somwhat more in control. if that's even possible.
i'm spinning and spinning and spinning and i cant stop.
i'm scared. but it's more of a constant fear. i think this feeling is never going to leave but that doesnt mean i want it to go. it's sick but feeling so lost and constantly on the edge is almost how i define myself.
when i got back i was able to escape to borders for a while. grabbed the phi beta kappa journal, some dickinson & a reference for my chechnya paper. i love bookstores.
i think i'm going to have to do a big antioxodent clense when i get back to school. i want to do just wine, pomegraniate juice, green tea, pears and cranberries for two weeks. i think my body needs it. i need the emptyness.
plus passover is coming up and im going to have to go from focused and happy at one sader with family #1 to intense, fearless and on the brink with family #2 the next night. it'll be easier for me to be on my game and not let anything slip if i'm completly empty.
"hell is empty and all the devils are here"--shakespere
leaving florida this morning was pathetic. nanny was barely lucid. i think i could even see the deteriation of her mind progress in the short week i was down there. or maybe i'm just being a hypocondriac again. but yeah, she was confused as hell and that made leaving feel any worse. so what if her aid was there...i was getting in a cab and flying back here. at least here i feel somwhat more in control. if that's even possible.
i'm spinning and spinning and spinning and i cant stop.
i'm scared. but it's more of a constant fear. i think this feeling is never going to leave but that doesnt mean i want it to go. it's sick but feeling so lost and constantly on the edge is almost how i define myself.
when i got back i was able to escape to borders for a while. grabbed the phi beta kappa journal, some dickinson & a reference for my chechnya paper. i love bookstores.
i think i'm going to have to do a big antioxodent clense when i get back to school. i want to do just wine, pomegraniate juice, green tea, pears and cranberries for two weeks. i think my body needs it. i need the emptyness.
plus passover is coming up and im going to have to go from focused and happy at one sader with family #1 to intense, fearless and on the brink with family #2 the next night. it'll be easier for me to be on my game and not let anything slip if i'm completly empty.
"hell is empty and all the devils are here"--shakespere
Friday, March 16, 2007
note to self, i miss you terribly. this is what we call a tragedy.
so its my last night here at nannys. today was a good day. i think she realized that i'd be flying home (or back to maryland) and made an effort to be a little more there today. even though it was really cloudy and kind of gross this morning, we took the boat out. i made a little brunch...almost as an afterthought before we left. i found this amazing 1996 dom perignon rose for myself hidden in with her wines and i went out to whole foods and got some cranberry scones and orange juice for nanny. i probably shouldnt be drinking champaigne at 10am but whatever. i'm allowed to be young and dumb.
despite all the crap going on...nanny remembered my wine cravings and said she's going to leave me her collection and her stemware. i'm greatful but still...that's kind of sad. i dont want her to think the only reason i came down for the week is to get somthing from her. it's really not at all. despite my shitty past with my family, theyre still family and i was trying to be proactive in trying to make things less sucky. and i have so many good memories of when i was a kid and being in florida with nanny and poppie. and i guess cuz everything right now for me is so crazy, im looking for my equilibrium wherever i can.
i think i've realized or i'm begining to realize that i'm never going to get my childhood back. i was forced to grow up really really fast. and i guess because of that...i never have stopped being (or trying to be) older than i am. i mean...i try to be like everyone else my age but it doesnt work. it's actually kind of funny when i do cuz i come off as being extremly awkward. i'm not that awkward, i dont think, when i just stop caring and act how i feel. yeah i'm 19 but i look older and act it. i think that's why (along with my very very very low bullshit tolerance) that i get along better with people a few years older than i. but also i guess cuz i had to deal with so much shit as a kid i'm just really jaded and cynical now. whoops. sorry. i'll try not to be so fucked up next time around.
tomorow morning its back to jersey for 14.6 hours (how pathetic is it that i'm actually counting?) to visit dad & his wife before hoping the acela back down to dc for drinks with jess then back to school. hopefully jess has my care package...i dont think i'm going to be able to carry down from jersey and i'm pretty convinced the bomb dogs they have all over union staion are the same as the drug dogs so i dont want to risk it. i dont think i can make it through another month without anything to help me escape.
because isnt that what its all about...the escape?
despite all the crap going on...nanny remembered my wine cravings and said she's going to leave me her collection and her stemware. i'm greatful but still...that's kind of sad. i dont want her to think the only reason i came down for the week is to get somthing from her. it's really not at all. despite my shitty past with my family, theyre still family and i was trying to be proactive in trying to make things less sucky. and i have so many good memories of when i was a kid and being in florida with nanny and poppie. and i guess cuz everything right now for me is so crazy, im looking for my equilibrium wherever i can.
i think i've realized or i'm begining to realize that i'm never going to get my childhood back. i was forced to grow up really really fast. and i guess because of that...i never have stopped being (or trying to be) older than i am. i mean...i try to be like everyone else my age but it doesnt work. it's actually kind of funny when i do cuz i come off as being extremly awkward. i'm not that awkward, i dont think, when i just stop caring and act how i feel. yeah i'm 19 but i look older and act it. i think that's why (along with my very very very low bullshit tolerance) that i get along better with people a few years older than i. but also i guess cuz i had to deal with so much shit as a kid i'm just really jaded and cynical now. whoops. sorry. i'll try not to be so fucked up next time around.
tomorow morning its back to jersey for 14.6 hours (how pathetic is it that i'm actually counting?) to visit dad & his wife before hoping the acela back down to dc for drinks with jess then back to school. hopefully jess has my care package...i dont think i'm going to be able to carry down from jersey and i'm pretty convinced the bomb dogs they have all over union staion are the same as the drug dogs so i dont want to risk it. i dont think i can make it through another month without anything to help me escape.
because isnt that what its all about...the escape?
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