trapt mercy

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."- Sylvia Plath

Whatever. I don't care anymore. I can't stand myself. I bring all of my issues upon myself and then I freak out when it becomes too much to handle. It's pathetic, really. I put on the "fuck you, I'm awesome and can take care of myself" facade every morning when all I want to do is crawl back under the covers because I'm petrified of what the day holds. I'm scared that I might actually live.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to try and out myself. It's just that it's tough. Especially when you realize you're not as strong as you thought. And you have no idea what you are going to do with your life.

And it's exhausting, the paralytic indecision. Constantly jumping from one plan to another. One day planning on starting a non-profit, the next-moving to Europe and writing and the day after-dropping it all and starting from scratch. Do I go back to the guy who cheated on me and said I am impossible to love? Do I wait and see what happens with the guy who thinks I'm psycotic? Or do I finally admit to myself that I might actually be able to survive without seeing someone for a while? You have all of these questions dragging you in every direction till you collapse.

They lied. There is nothing beautiful in or about the breakdown. Unless you like that sort of thing. Then by all means, go ahead and watch.

I'm a trainwreck in slow-motion and you just can't tear your eyes away as I go down.