I think I am done seeing myself as damaged. By feeling that I am somehow not a whole person, not only am I allowing myself to look like a victim but I am the victim. I don't know what I've been waiting for, maybe a giant epiphany or somthing to smack me across the cheek, but somthing substantial to change before I evolved into an unbroken being. I mean, nothing major has happened but I just feel like now is the time to start moving towards seeing myself as somthing worth caring about enough to stop breaking down every second.
I quit Coyote. One of the other girls passed me a rail before work last night...I dont know, maybe she thought I was lagging or whatever...but I did it and instantly regretted it. Don't get me wrong, I still crave the rush but I don't want it to become a constant in my life. Last time I worked for a substantial amount of time, it did become that and it pushed me into a really bad place-mental not physical- and I've been fighting to get away from there ever since. So I quit after last night and put in a call to one of my friends who manages a bar over in the Meatpacking district...not too far from where Fiona's new gallery is and definatly walkable from the school where my writing classes are...and I'm going to be there four nights a week. It's called Lotus. It's really chill, very hipster pseudo-intelligentsia vibe and the pay is much better then at Coyote, even after factoring in lost tips I'm still going to be making more at Lotus then I would have.
It really sucks that I'm so shy. I think it goes back to seeing myself as the victim, if I'm invisable-noone can hurt me (if only that were true). I just can't stop thinking about how much I've missed out on because I'm really uncomfortable putting myself out there. I quit dance, pagents, riding, swimming, singing, theatre, photography, most writing...not to mention pretty much hiding under a rock all through middle and high school......just cuz I don't want to deal with the inevitable rejection. My turnout is nonexistant, I'm not pretty enough, I'm too scared to go for the higher jumps, my flipturns are hideous, I'm one step away from being tonedeaf, I don't stay in character, I have a really bad eye for what makes a good shot, I've yet to write anything substantial...and noone told me it wasn't en vogue to be more bohemian than Abecrombie. But anyways, now I'm just not outgoing. And I don't think that it's a huge flaw or anything to be more conservative but now I'm just done with worrying about everything.
In my writing program, I'm supposed to be gathering works I've created over the past five years and I've got almost nothing worth sharing. Yeah I have the scattered poem or reflection but...my writing isn't very good. Certinly not at the level to be expected of someone in the program. And it's not for lack of trying. I'm working on a piece right now for one of my workshops and I think I'm on the eighth draft of it...but still...it's nothing new. Stylistically, thematically...I'm inable to create somthing that hasn't been seen before. I am nothing more than a cheap Chinatown knockoff of the greats.
But I don't know if it matters though. Jack Kerouac tells us to "write in recollection and amazement for yourself" and I guess that's what I do, regardless of venue or genre. I just write. Constantly. And I don't see my pieces as anything innovative because after agonizing over them...they are merely an extention of me so to see them as anything more than that is just a completly foreign idea that I'm not quite ready to wrap my head around yet.
For now though, my puppy just lay down at my feet and is ready to go to sleep. It's kind of funny...I've never been much of an animal person till now. Somthing about my absolute disgust for dependance in any form, kind of why I cannot stand children. But Zen is like me...except a dog. And it's kind of nice having somthing around that likes you, regardless of how the rest of the world sees you.
It makes me think that someday, maybe, I might be ok. And that is worth fighting for.
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2 comments:
it's so very hard to see the worth of such an extension of yourself until you first recognize your own worth....but seems as though you are well on your way to realizing the true beauty that is you
oh and if they haven't told you in school, there isn't a writer on earth (not one worth a shit anyway) who thinks much of their own work
Hey Lilith--
Thanks for commenting on my blog and my poem.
Just read your entry. Here is what I decided about writing: stop trying to be innovative, original, and different. Focus on YOUR voice, the one we hear loud and clear in your blog. The more you get in touch with that voice, the more you will develop the more innovative, creative, and original because you ARE an original as a human being.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop comoparing yourself to the perfection you want in yourself. These comparisons just set you up for failure and depression. I only say this from experience and inner-evaluation and from what I read in your blog.
I love the title of your blog and your entry.
You write well. My goodness, you write very well! Keep at it.
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