avalon

Today needs to end immediatly.

Dance tonight was horrible. Or rather I was horrible. I can't get out of the ballet mindset and just let go. Everything I do is so rigid. And you can tell that I have a ballet background because of how I hold myself and my turnout and everyone expects me to be good. Tonight was only my second bellydance class ever. Yeah I understand what we're supposed to be working on but I can't get it. And the really sad thing is that I really am trying.

So I came home afterwards feeling completly dejected and as I walk in the door, somthing hits me. Or rather someone. My younger brother found it nessasary to start using my head as a punching bag. Not so much fun, let me tell you. I mean, I can hold my own but not when I'm hit out of nowhere and then punched in both eyes and temples pretty damn hard over and over. Best of all, my mother sees it happen and laughs at me, congradulates him then blames me for being brused. Yeah. It's my fault that he's agressive and I bring it upon myself. God. This is why I can't live here.

And now I have two black eyes, bruses all over my forhead and the side of my face. Not to mention the lovley crimson trail I carved across the tops of my thighs, indirectly caused but completly triggered by the actions of earlier all coming together. It's the perfect trigger trifecta; my making an ass out of myself in dance, getting the crap beaten out of me by a fifteen year old and then being blamed for it by someone other then myself. But anyways, now I look like more of a disaster then before, which I don't think is going to go over so well at training for camp tomorrow. I'm just guessing looking like you got mugged is not a great first impression with the directors.

Mike's being a jerk now too. He wanted to read somthing I wrote so I sent over a story I've been playing around with for a while and now he thinks I'm completly psychotic. Real nice of him, I swear. No critiques given, just yelled at by someone I thought I could trust. And that really sucks because it's completly not like him at all. And I really really like him. I know I say this about everyone I fall for but he understands me. And I thought I could tell him anything. I know he's been through so much but I felt like we actually had somthing. Somthing real. I just have to hope all is not lost now, I guess.

People just need to stop being assholes. And the world needs to stop trying to make me want out. At least I don't give up easilly.

Except maybe some people aren't supposed to be happy. All I have ever wanted is that happy ending. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to be ok. I guess...I guess it's just not in the cards though.