sinister sister

I can't sleep. It's after 3am and I can't sleep. Last year, this wouldn't have worried me... but now it is. Because last year, I stopped being able to sleep a few days before I slid into a hardcore manic phase. I'm talking hardcore along the lines of not sleeping at all, not eating, existing off of coffee and cigs, bounce from class to class with hitting the gym and cleaning my room like there's no tomorrow between...that kind of manic. I don't know. I should be able to embrace that this is how I am at this point, but I don't feel like it. I knew I was gonna hit a manic patch at some point... but now. COME ON! I'm just starting to get my routine down with classes and consulting and such. I liked being able to kind of know what's coming. It was disgustingly monotonous and I hated it, but at least I had control over what was going on. Now...as soon as I get into it... I know it's gonna be bad.

I was able to find Polly's obit. Here is the link. Check it out if you want. Or not. I don't think it's that good of an obit. It doesn't list the cause of death. And I mean, when a 33 year old dies, people wanna know that. Not just the goddess obsessed. Plus, that's a really shitty picture of her. I think Polly looks too cooperate there, like she's trying to hard to conform to adulthood. I mean, I guess it makes sense since she was working as a lobbyist and such. But still, for her obit, I would have liked to see a pic that captured who she really was, in all of her fucked up glory.

Valentine's Day is Thursday. This is gonna be the second year in a row that I'm alone on a completely manufactured holiday. I'm not entirely bummed by that, though. I just don't think I actually care enough about other people (even my friends... sorry guys!) to have any desire to engage in meaningful adult relationship. Aside, of course, from my desperate need for attention. Actually... that's not a bad reason to get involved in a relationship. I mean, I know I'm bloody insane for being able to justify wanting to be in a relationship for purely personal gains. But isn't that why everyone gets into a relationship to begin with? It can't be just sex. There's no law you have to be seeing someone for that to happen, or for it to even be good. Some of the best fucks I've had have been with one night stands. But, I digress, there really doesn't seem to be a need for me to be in a relationship right now. Nor are their any half-decent prospects around here so whatever.

I've been toying with the idea of doing something drastic to my hair for the past few weeks. It's so fried to the point where my split ends have splits. Gross. I originally wanted to shave it all off but then I realized that's probably not a good look for anyone. I know, if anything, I'm just going to end up hacking off an inch or so over my sink. Especially since summer is coming up. There's something poetic about being tan, rocking a white sundress and having long brown hair.

I absolutely cannot wait for it to be warm enough for spring/summer clothes. Since I know you all really want to help out a starving writer, let me know if you **want** to make a donation to the "Let's get Lilith a fabulous new wardrobe" fund. I take cash, personal checks and of course, gift cards. I even have an awesome wishlist set up at Nordstroms, Sax and Neiman Marcus and I'm more than happy to send them over.

I'm not even kidding. Buy me things.