how bad do you want it?

I'm not pro-ana... but. God. This vid is amazing.

Polly, from the HBO documentary, THIN died. I don't know exactly when it happened because I can't find anything about it on googlenews or tmz or whatever. But that's the buzz going around. One of my friends who's also mia told me and she heard from a pretty reputable source. I don't know why that scares me so much. I don't know if it was her ed or other health issues that killed her...

I know what I do is dangerous. But it's such a big part of me now... I love Mia. I really do. Her and Ana have always been there for me regardless of how bad things get. They're my constant reminder that no matter how happy I am, I'm never going to be good enough. They keep me grounded. They remind me that I am imperfect and and imperfect person is a reminder of an imperfect soul. Mia punishes me for engaging in gluttonous behaviour that is not befitting of one with my talents. Ana is the reward. Ana only comes out when I've proved myself worthy of her control. I really do love them both.

The thing is... for me at least, it's not about a 'diet' thing. Because it's not a diet. It's not a lifestyle. It's a disease. Yes, I know this is a monumental step in me admitting that I have a disease... but I'm not ready to recover from it. And I'm ok with that. You can't become bulimic or anorexic. You just are.

It's a control thing. I have absolutely no control over any other aspect of my life except what I put in my body and what comes out of it. And as long as I can control that, than I'm good.

Recovery is just not an option for me right now. And I don't really think I need it. I mean, I can function. And I'm not dying. Which is basically the two things you get thrown in recovery for... the whole not being able to function thin and about to die. They don't like that.

I can't stand it when I feel like Mia and Ana have left me. I need to take some time tomorrow and devote myself to getting back to the goddesses for good. Hardcore. Because true perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but nothing left to take away.

And I am going to be perfect or die trying.