So let's see what's gone down since Tuesday...
Mike and I are no longer a Mike and I. Which, when I think about it, is a really weird thing to say because he and I were never together. It was a mutually parasitic bond-- he wanted to get laid and I wanted to feel wanted. Such is life.
Ashley, my roommate, is seeing his best friend Steve now. Which, no lie, is slightly awkward. Mike and I made a really good attempt at doing the friend thing, sans making out or anything, but it didn't work out so well. Actually...I pretty seriously fucked it over. The thing is that I cannot stand is how Mike got to me. He understood every one of my neuroses and instead of me just being able to deal with them and the fact that he knew...so I started backing away. Doing everything in my power to make sure he'd end up hating me. Which, go me, he does now.
I got disgustingly drunk and ended up going home with this guy. But, unbeknown to me, Mike saw me making out with him. So now, not only am I the drunk girl with an attitude, but I'm a whore too.
And...maybe I am. Maybe I am pathetic with self-worth issues and that pushes me to do anything for attention. Maybe I make out with whoever will have me, just because I am so desperate for the validation. I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.
If I really am that disgusting...I can't even blame Mike for hating me. Hell. If I really am that disgusting...I have a major hangup over anyone even tolerating me.
But such is life.
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2 comments:
sometimes we tend to believe that we are merely the sum of all the bad things people have told us we are...sometimes we reach such a point of self-loathing that we automatically question the goodness or even sanity of anyone capable of finding any redeeming qualities in us...sometimes we wake up one day and look in the mirror and for the first time see ourselves through our own eyes instead of through the eyes of others...sometimes we even get the feeling we're really not all alone
We all want valedation, its a basic human need, but don 't become co-dependant and destroy yourself worth and dignity in the process Lilith, you are far too valuable for that.
Stay away from drinking
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