I broke up with Adam last night. I thought after I did it, I'd feel something... releif, sadness, freedom, anything. But I don't. If anything, I think that just proves to me that I needed to end it.
I've never been the best at keeping relationships. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm selfish and give up the second I get scared or the instant it becomes work. But I don't think a relationship should be work. I should want to hang out with them. I should be excited to hear from them. And our conversations should be more than "I love you" "I miss you" over and over and over until I feel nausous from the pathetic, mindless innocence of it all.
I just...I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love Adam. He's a really fantastic guy and he's fun to be around. But I'm not in lovewith him. There's a difference. And I don't think it's fair to him if I was to stay in a relationship where he loved me a lot more than I did him. He and I are also at very different places in our lives. He still has his senior year of high school to get through. I want him to be able to go out and do stupid high school things without having to worry about being tied down. I don't want to be an obligation for him. And conversly, I want to be able to go out and have fun in college. I don't want to have something stopping me from finding myself...especially when I'm just now sort of getting the hang of it.
But mostly...I don't think I was happy with Adam. Like really happy. And if I'm not happy...then what's the point? I know that sounds so horrible but I have to take care of myself and make sure I"m ok and if not being with a really great guy is the price...then I guess I'm just going to have to pay it.
(iamareallybadteencliche)
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