Friday, September 28, 2007
moment
But...now I may have a new guy on the horizon. His name is Tristan and he's in my Women & Politics seminar. Yesterday during class, we ended up sitting together and grabbed coffee afterwards, before his Psych lecture. And then he ended up calling me after that let out and we ended up talking for like two hours...just talking. About everything. And...he kissed me.
It was raining... and I was being a stupid little kid and jumping into puddles. I got totally soaked, but I was loving it. Tristan was walking with me and just grabbed my back and told me that I looked really cute in the rain. And...he kissed me. In the rain.
And then, he called me this morning and we talked about classical Greek philosophy. Seriously...who does that? We're such nerds. And we ended up talking for like an hour...about the most random things--- coffee, windstorms, Crime and Punishment. And...this conversation shall be continued this evening when he comes over. Yay.
I love how I can go from person to person.... I think cuz I refuse to become emotionally attached to people. Meh. Whatever.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
way too good at this...
Speaking of boyfriends... I'm really confused about Rob. I mean, we're together. Everyone knows it... people ask me how he is when he's not with me (which really isn't that often) and when he's with me, he's doing boyfriendy things like holding my hand and rubbing my back and snogging me and opening doors and such. I've spent the past two nights in his room and we're having actual conversations. It's nice. Really, it is. I just don't know what he expects to come out of it. I think...when it comes down to it...I'm going to end up hurting him (as per the Lilith norm). It almost makes me think that I should end it now...before either of us become so emotionally invested in it. But I don't want to end it.... I really dont.
He makes my heart go flutter.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sparkles
I almost don't know how to deal with him. I mean, God forbid some guy actually treat me right.
Tonight I saw Merchant of Venice done by a theater company at school. Two hours later...I still need to decompress. I want to go back to Elizabethan England and live amoungst Shakespeare.
...if only.
Friday, September 21, 2007
talent
---Last night was composed of 3 shots of whiskey, 3 shots of rum and about 8 or 9 shots of vodka. Not only did I not throw up, but I am not hungover. Heck yes!
---My much older crush from grades 9 to 12 Facebooked me yesterday and I didn't revert into crazy "oh my gosh I want you so bad and I miss you and you are my everything" Lilith. Just a simple "hey you! you're alive! what's been going on?". Perfectly respectable.
---I went to Bible Study last night. Even though I haven't exactly read the thing, it was amusing. And quite interesting actually.
---I managed not to get really mad at Rob when he left yesterday for the weekend. I mean, ok...it's his last weekend with his parents not being at home so he obviously wants to go have fun. And he did invite me down, but I already said I was going home with another friend for the weekend. So I really shouldn't be making a big deal over this. I trust him, he trusts me. It just sucks not seeing him. Majourly.
---While hanging out with two of my favourite people yesterday, I found the two shot glasses I was missing! Not a big deal, but these are my really classy doubleshot ones that are perfect for lemondrops and doing body shots. Mmhmm yum.
So basically I rock. =D
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
runaway symphony
...alright. Moment over.
The Renn poetry class wasn't working out for me so I'm in the process of dropping it. When it comes down to it, I don't need the credits and I was basically taking it to kill time and to say that I took a class with Sandona. Whatever. I have nothing to prove. I really need to focus on my Latin and other classes... And I want to be able to enjoy myself and not be stressed 24/7 like I was last semester. I mean, I'm still gonna stress myself out regardless but at least it will be self-contrived. For once.
I had a Creative Writing workshop last night... maybe I shouldn't have tried to quit smoking right before that class. Apparently they liked my offering but I don't know if they we're just being nice or what....because usually, even if the piece is exceptionally well-written, we tear it apart. But no, not with mine. This one girl, AJC, made a comment that it sounded...when she was reading it on her own...like it was written in my own voice-- not the "Lilith reading aloud in front of 15 people she doesn't know that well" voice. I don't quite know how to take that....or anything presented to me in workshop. I mean, this one is so different from the master class over the summer. Here, we've eliminated the strive for publication and are just focusing on the craft. It's just a totally different dynamic I guess. I know I need to work on my word choice-- I have an inclination to use the "five dollar words" way too much and it kind of muddles what I'm really trying to say. I know I need to work on showing not telling. I know I need to have more focus in my pieces....and basically just tighten everything overall.
I told Mike (Maryland Mike) that I want to have a talk with him. I really don't want there to be any animosity between us. It's not right. I know I messed that one up irreparably but he's a really decent person to hang out with and I think I'd like to salvage something for it...if that's at all possible. I don't know. Maybe because of Rosh Hashana I'm in a repenting mood...I don't know. But it's time for a change.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
.meh.
Except I feel really fat and bloated and I have to see my extended family tomorow evening...which always just adds a whole new big ball of stressors into the mix. I think I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am most likley never going to have the goddesses back. I am not ok with that, but frankly, it is what it is. Except, with that, I know I am going to have to deal with eternal repulsion of my body. Even now, looking in the mirror on my wall, the only thing I like is my eyes. I used to like my collorbones and neck, but now that I can't see the veins and the musculature isnt as perfect as it used to be...nothing but my eyes.
I am just a big ball of disgustingness. I honistly wouldnt be suprised right now if Rob is sleeping with someone else....because I am just that gross.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
malcontent on the deathbead
I do not hate you. I could never hate you. I resent you, yes...but never hate. I resent you for leaving me here alone. I resent you for recognizing the way out and following it. I resent you for leaving me here to pick up the pieces. And as much as you want me to come join you, I cannot. I am not done here. I still have too much to do.
Forever yours-
Lilith
Sunday, September 9, 2007
time to be real
In the two weeks that I've been back at school, I have only been sober one night. I haven't had a fun night of drinking since I've been here, but that's yet to stop me. I keep telling myself, if I only get plastered one more night, then maybe I'll have fun. The law of averages, you know? In my mind, at least one of these nights has to end up in fun, not me rushing off to the stairwell to cut myself or passing out on my bed.
Yesterday I dropped acid for the first time too. It was beautiful. You know how Kurt Vonnegut says (or said now, seeing as he's quite dead but probably not rotted beyond recognition...yet) "everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"? That is exactly how I felt. I was happy and giggily and funny...and for the four or five hour peak, I almost liked who I am. Almost. And coming down wasn't that bad either. I felt reallyreallyreally smart. And extremely sensory. I don't know if that's the right word...sensory...but every single sense was epically magnified. And, probably the most pathetic thing of all, is that the acid made me feel skinny.
I also determined...either yesterday or the day before...that I don't really like Rob. I'm only really with him till I can find someone better. It's mean, I know, but it's true. I have no emotional attachment to him. Which is, when I think about it, really weird because it doesn't take much for me to become emotionally attached. I basically become attached to anyone who shows me attention.
I know that I want to marry Michael. Florida Michael. Army Michael. The Michael who has never doubted me nor used me nor judged me. I think Michael and I would be good together. He's stable, I mean... sure, he's a bit reckless. But not like me reckless...good reckless. I think you have to be a little bit to serve in the Army then work as a firefighter. He calls me beautiful...and I am such a sucker for that. I really love Michael, on a multifaceted level. His intelligence, his body, his eyes. The way we can talk for hours about absolutely nothing. How he'll text message me randomly during the day with the most cutesy things. The way he wont give up on me.
I know I push people away. I should probably stop that. I should probably stop being such a bitch too. I mean...ok...here's the deal...I want to change.
I'm just too scared.
Friday, September 7, 2007
fuckedy fuck fuck
- I think I'm getting mono again. I'm extremly lethargic, I have migranes like no other and it hurts to move. Like actually hurts. Not to mention that i CANT BREATHE!!!!!!!1
- Wasteland was supposed to put up my piece....but they didnt. Jerks.
-Drunkemailed my prof from last semester. Whoops.
-Left my Renn poetry class today to throw up.
-Have to go home next friday for rosh hashana.
I hate my life.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
non debeo errare
I don't know how I made it through that class, but the second it was over, I ran outside and started looking frantically for a cigarette... and Bern came up behind me with one. Sigh. I love cigarettes.
Mei amoris Latinus.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
weapon of change
Whatever. Here it is:
"Pathetic, no?"
She walks outside for a cigarette. It is just after four in the morning but time is irrelevant, as she has now been awake for the past three days. She is exhausted, though more emotionally than physically. And she hurts all over.
“What the fuck did I do?”
She decides to be over what happened. Things happen. Mistakes are made. We are all young and reckless…and too goddamned stupid to recognize the difference. Whatever happened, it does not matter. But no, it really does matter because for her to now say that it didn’t would imply that something did matter to begin with. And no, she wouldn’t admit that now. Because everything matters.
“How did things get so bad?”
Saturday night, everything seemed fine. She thought he was somewhat impertinent—and coming from an intelligentsia fiend is a pretty decent compliment and just made him all that more attractive in her eyes. And his EYES…just his eyes…until they’ve gone and done dimmed out….
The way he played the guy she wanted him to be. He didn’t try to jump into bed with her right away. She thought he actually cared. No, cared is once again the wrong word because he did not. It was all a farce. She knows not why, but that is once again insignificant. All that matters is that she let it happen again. She fell for him and then screwed it up, as per her norm.
“What is so wrong with me? Why am I so broken?”
“Yeah. It really is all my fault. Damn.”
She remembers a table and two refrigerators filled with Natty Ice, cheap rum and Mike’s Hard…the libations of choice for those on a budget and trying to get inebriated beyond recognition. She remembers begging for another shot to be poured in her glass and barely tasting the alcohol. The empty cans crushed and lined up next to the overflowing trash bins. Screaming along to the likes of Sugarcult’s “Pretty Girl” and having a major musical meltdown when the lyrics started speaking to her…”And that’s what you get for falling again. You can never get him out of your head. It’s the way that he makes you feel. It’s the way that he kisses you. It’s the way that he makes you fall in love.”
She remembers going out for a cigarette with someone other than the guy she was seeing and coming back an hour later, sans bra and looking extremely disheveled. She remembers meeting yet another guy in the hallway on her way back from emptying her stomach contents onto the floor of the common restroom. And how the sweat pooled off his sinuous frame, almost steaming as it snaked down towards the filthy beer stained carpet.
“Oh my God. Please tell me I didn’t…”
She remembers how she stared at the ceiling, consciously attempting to advert every fiber of her being away from the moment. She remembers waiting for it just to be over and regretting everything the second it happened. She hates the way she constantly does it…the girl thing…and instantly jumps into bed with anyone who will have her. As she pulls out another cigarette, she realizes the one truth in her pathetic life…