And it all will get better. I think this is why I need to be in a relationship. I need to have someone tell me that I am ok. No longer the damaged product of life gone awry. Michael is good at that. He can just sence when I need to be brought back down. Yeah. It pisses me off. But screw that. I'd rather be temporaraly giving up control to someone and being able to continue being somewhat content, if not happy, with them....than just purging myself of the moment entirely and losing it all...not just the stressors.
But yet, I do not trust him. Nor can I allow myself to. I know the instant my guard comes down, I am going to get hurt. It's just how these things happen for me. With us being so far apart, it only adds to my inability to stop second-guessing his intentions. I am never really going to know if I am just his Raggidy Ann doll for him to string along until he finds somthing better. Or needs me like I need him.
How pathetic am I? Honistly, I can't stand myself. I claim to do the autonomous thing quite nicely. And yet, here I am saying that I need Michael. I am never whole and frankly...I think what scares me the most is that I need someone to fill that void. Whatever it may be.
It just started getting windy here. It kind of reminds me of the Santa Anas. Magical winds, causing me to sprout wings and with a gust of warm, dancing air jump off the highest cliff and simply glide. Winds where anything can happen.
The window in my room is open and I can here the sporatic rustiling of the branches on my weeping willow. Each pass of the wind allows the leaves to whisper "breathe" "feel" "live" "accept", the very words I refuse to utter in fear of allowing them to consume me. My curtans fly forward with an air of almost hopeful escapism then as soon as it seems like they are going to finally break free, implode back and crash against the freshly painted white window moldings. The curtans, also white, are begging to be released from their manicly pure ties. All of the white, it seems too innocent...which we shall never be nor appear as such. Perhaps I shall buy new curtains in the morning.
Either that or repaint.
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3 comments:
the question then becomes whether or not you can reap enough from it to make it worth the hurt
Hi Lilith, great writing, I like your profile intro.Let me tell you girl ,from across the seven seas that YOU ARE OK. I all need to be in relationaships. I am like you.I like to be chained to my friends.Circumstances have changed in my life and I 'm not in active contact with my friends and i miss them.
I read more about of your blog to know you better.But one thing I will tell you don 't let any one take advantage of you, there are plenty of fish in the pond.
Which color curtains did you get?
Hi Lilith, read your back date entries, some of them. You are a very special and gifted person and I would like to write to you privately via email. if you care to please send me your email at
hazelsingh@yahoo.com
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