on loss:

Loss of summer-
I have never known a season to last as shortly as this summer. Wasn't it just last week that I was bitching and moaning about having to pack up my dorm room? I think it really hit when I got my "Back to School" bundle of repetitive paperwork with the post yesterday. Honistly, if I didn't before, now I surely have my student ID number memorized...along with the dates of my immunizations, intended graduation date, advisor's name and contact information, perfered residence, yada yada yada. I can't believe August 27 will be my 14th first day of school (not counting preschool and such). Damn. One year ago I was counting the days till I started my first day of college. It really is striking to see how much I have changed-- for better and worse-- since starting college. I'm going to go as far as to say that I think I may actually be starting to figure myself out and become...gasp...human. And it's not that I don't love college or anything (how can I not, especially if I want to be a professor?) but now I've begun to count the days left till I get my diploma and start grad work. And as much as I love summer, I find myself simply unable to enjoy it at all. Even at the hookah bar or Lotus or really anywhere that I used to hang out with people, I no longer am amused even in the slightest way. But, in true Lilith fashon, I fake having fun. And I do it pretty damn well but even when I catch myself being somewhat happy, I go back to being emotionless. I think it's just easier this way. So when I leave Jersey again (for what will hopefully be the last time), I won't have any memories to lure me back here. Except this then brings up the issue of what to do with Adam. I want to make it work, but I'm petrified that I don't have the willpower to do so with a 3-hour minimum gap between us. And that really sucks because I think I'm in love with him. I know I say I love people a lot...but with him...it's different. He's completly stolen my heart and it makes me extremly happy just to say that I love him. I love loving Adam. And if anything, I think that will bring me back, just to see him.

Loss of creativity-
I can't write or even conceptualize anything worth writing that has any substance to it. Everything pouring out of my head is just straight up stream-of-(un)conscience work and it's leaving me absolutly nothing to even piece into anything that could even be thought of as somthing worth reading. I hate this feeling. I just feel so...useless. And it's not like anything I've ever written has been that great, it's seriously amateur night every time I create..anything. But it's just super frusturating (I can't believe I just said "super" and am not being sarcastic). I guess everyone hits a dry spell once and a while. I think this one is just hitting me hard because now that I'm on the verge of publication with Drip and all (let me just take a minute and say how much I adore my editor over at Wasteland Press. Donnie, thank you for putting up with me and helping me make this happen while allowing me to maintain almost, if not all, of my integrety as an author. I don't know what I'd do without Donnie's constant badgering to make deadline while giving me everything I need to **hopefully** get what I need out there with this piece. Majour respect Wastland Press. Forever). But now I think people are going to expect a certain level of quality from them and I don't want to dissapoint. Or at least dissapoint more then after my first works are read.

Loss of ability to feel-
I am emotionless. Completly. Numb. I love it and yet, I am a bit disconcerned. I don't quite know what to make of this yet. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm on drugs. Maybe I'm not. But regardless, I don't really give a shit.