My grandmother is dying.
She is dying and there is nothing I can do about it.
She fell the day after NH and has been in the hospital/rehabilitation place since. And she's not getting out.
Florida was NOT fun.
I don't do well with the whole family thing. I left that scene way before it came en vogue to do so. I have no relationship whatsoever with anybody on either side. I guess that's why I didn't really care when I heard my grandmother was sick.
My mother and her cousin were crying hardcore when my grandmother could not feed herself... or even sit upright. And I think that's when my apathy hit. Seeing her like that, it really had no affect on me. I don't know if that makes me a bad person. I'm not that horrible. I guess I'm just desensitized to this sort of thing. I had to go through it with my father's parents (even though I was not --and still am not-- speaking to him). I guess to me...this just feels like the same old routine.
If anything, maybe I pity my grandmother. Weird, no? It can't be normal. To feel pity for someone with whom I have had no substantial relationship with except six days last March and three days now. But she is so helpless... apparantly she had this great mind and now she cannot remember who the president is.
I don't know. The whole situation is sucky. I don't feel anything. And that makes me a bad person.
But it's really not my fault I don't feel anymore. If I let myself feel anything, I would get even more out of control.
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2 comments:
No you wouldn 't get out of control. You are a very sensitive person yourself. Ask God to give you a heart of love and care. Open yourself to the needs and hurts of others.Try to feel their pain and helplessness.Haven 't you ever suffered in your life...physical or emotional pain, and didn 't you want someone to reach out to you.You can do that to someone else.you have to open yourself up... not desensitise and protect yourself.A way to cope with the hard facts of life is to look the other way or numb yourself. I 've done it...the Scarlett O 'Hara style...I 'll think about it another day. But that doesn 't work.
Don 't cut yoursel;f off from your family. Everybody 's human ...nobody is perfect or can measure up to you. You are just 19...there is a lot a lot of life left for you my dear.
I feel for you Grandma and Mom.
I am a caregiver and have my frustrating times, but its all worthwhile.Loving and reaching out to others is what makes life complete.Do it.
Dear Lilith, How is grandma?
Life is very precious and so are people and relationships.This is what makes us human. God made us for meaningful relationships...otherwise we would all be machines.
Sending you a warm embrace my dear.
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